Runway Emotions

I've heard people say that they were minding their own business, sitting at a light on the way home, and a song came on, or a smell drifted in from a restaurant....and BAM, they dissolved into tears. All of a sudden, their emotions are transported right back to the person who loves that song or the last time they talked with a lost loved one, or the place where they had their last favorite meal with someone they miss. Emotions can ambush you, showing up at the most unexpected times and leave you perplexed...where did they come from?.....how can they be so strong?!

Yesterday, Phil and I were sitting at a restaurant called the Elephant Bar in San Francisco. Our big picture window looked out onto the bay and the runways of the airport. We were watching planes take off and land, enjoying a relaxed lunch, reminiscing about our time there. As I took a bite of my crab and shrimp salad, I looked out and watched a huge 747 jetliner from Singapore coast onto the runway. I'm thinking about how it is packed with passengers who have just ended a very long journey, and they are anxious to deplane and meet their loved ones. Out of nowhere, I am overwhelmed with emotion and begin to cry. Phil looks over at me and is shocked at the change in my demeanor from the minute before when we were smiling and laughing. He tries to figure it out and asks me if I need to leave. Tears are pouring down my cheeks, and I feel like I'm about to really sob. I realized the minute I saw the plane coming in that my mind had jumped to waiting for Emily's plane from Asia to land, bringing her home to us after eleven long months of separation. I imagined myself as one of those loved ones at the arrival gate, holding a sign, searching the faces, and anticipating that moment when we would finally be reunited and I could put my arms around her once again. I realized that I had been holding in so many emotions for so long, not allowing myself to let them escape, knowing that once free, there would be no stopping my tears. I realized at that one moment how much I longed to let go of fears and look into her eyes again....how much I've really really missed her....painfully missed her. I knew that the restaurant wasn't the place or time to experience the full onslaught of those feelings, so I fought them back into submission again. I feel so raw, so vulnerable...

But I can wait two more months...

Generation Cause

One of the trademarks of this generation is globalization. Through the internet and travel, the whole world is accessible. Awareness motivates our young adults to enact change by driving energy and passion towards causes needed worldwide without letting hurdles and obstacles hold them back. At the very least, they are going and seeing and learning and doing what they can to make a difference. They don’t let language barriers, financial limitations, or inexperience restrain them…they’ve already reached a comfort level with these issues and found a way to jump the hurdles in order to pursue their goals. Their biggest fear is inaction and complacency. Cultures may be slow in changing, but these world changers are more available now than any time in history to carry out divine tasks and do so without fear and excuse. Even without expertise, they push ahead and strive for excellence, if possible, but accept that working towards a goal may mean achieving it the best way they can while preserving the culture and dignity of those they go to serve rather than imposing directives from their first-world church. Therefore, though they don’t compromise their message of love and their purpose of reaching lost people for Christ, they also intend to meet the physical needs of their global friends and realize that it’s a process, that what they begin may not come to fruition until they’re gone. They accept that they’re part of a plan and not meant to receive the glory for accomplishing it. I heard a quote that describes this generation admirably; it seems they embrace it as they follow God and serve Him… and it says, ”there’s no limit to the good a man can do if he doesn’t care who gets the credit.” ~ Albert Schweitzer. If egotism is not what motivates a person, then there’s no limit to what he or she can achieve with others working as a team rather than as individuals striving for recognition. This generation defines why the mission of the World Race has gained so much momentum in the last five years. I’ve recognized these characteristics in the World Racers as I’ve read their blogs and followed their journeys. As a result, they are gleaning new values from their experiences which are shaping their adult lives and ensuring that they will mark their generation and the one to come for Christ and His kingdom.

Her Prayer Came True

One year ago, Emily posted the following...

Courtesy of my friend, Matt, this Franciscan benediction has become a favorite of mine. It explains who I hope to be and what I hope to do on the World Race.
 
May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths,
And superficial relationships
So that you may live deep
Within your heart.
 
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression,
And exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice,
Freedom, and peace.
 
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain,
Rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your
Hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.
 
And may God bless you with
Enough foolishness
To believe that you can make
A difference in the world,
So that you can do what others
Claim cannot be done,
And bring justice and kindness to
All our children and the poor.

I read it again this morning and was shocked at how much of it has already happened! This prayer is described all through her blogs...it gives me chills how true it has been. Read some of her blogs and see how God took her seriously. http://www.emilytuttle.theworldrace.org ; especially the ones on "Mae" in Thailand and a recent one called "Carry the Weight".

Emily is about to begin Month 10 in Laos. She will be home in two months. It seems like yesterday that we said goodbye and watched her walk away.

This year has changed her life forever.
 

God Can Handle Knowing It All...I Can't!

I used to think it would be so interesting to be like God and be able to know everything...or at least the things I wanted to know, like what my kids are doing....that is until the World Race. It's probably a good thing I don't know everything that's happening on the World Race.

...such as the time she was robbed in Peru. A thief broke into her apartment and stole her computer, hard drive, and camera. Thankfully, she was not there.

...And the time she was on the back of a motorcycle and the driver proposed to her twice hoping for a free ticket to America.

...And the time she got a tattoo....and those blood tests she had along the way to test for different diseases....thankfully the needles were clean and the tests were negative.

...And the time she flew out of the raft into class 4 rapids in the Nile River...and didn't hit her head on a rock or get swept down the river....she did, however, swallow too much water and now her body is the home of several parasites. She's been sick for a month with intestinal issues....the darn little things are hard to kick!  

I did get the opportunity to experience answered prayer with her. She stayed home sick one Sunday, and the hosts, not knowing she stayed there, locked the doors of her house for security. She couldn't get out to the outhouse. She texted us in the middle of the night our time, and we prayed for someone to return to the house so she could get relief. Sure enough, they did.

...And there was the time her teammate was a victim of a snatch and drag robbery along the road in Africa and was covered with cuts and bruises.

...And the number of malaria and typhoid cases in her house.

...And the number of bottles of impure water she drank. In Africa, it is common for some companies to refill the water bottles with impure tap water and reseal the tops to be sold again.

I'm sure there have been and will continue to be many more near misses and close calls and dangerous situations during her journey...some we'll hear about, and some we won't until later or not at all. It's these times that I'm glad I'm not all knowing, and I'm glad that those many nights I woke up and prayed(because I believe God woke me up and prompted me to), He was answering my prayers, protecting and providing exactly what she needed.

I know Emily and I have both learned a lot about depending on God this year.

I'll Sleep in the Next Life....in this one, I'm a Mom

I just read Emily’s blog from one of her ongoing series entitled, “ My Life Is Weird”, and as I’m reading about her most recent out-of-the-ordinary situations that the World Race has afforded her in Kenya, it occurred to me almost shockingly that these stories are the reason that I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in recent history! I’ve mentioned how well exercised my prayer life has become during this year….well, that’s putting it mildly of late. We only hear from her once a week at best, and the internet connection is weak, so we’ll have this hour-long very shallow facebook chat consisting of asking each other how we’re doing, what we’re doing, and how much we miss each other…with five minute long interruptions in the connection between questions. It’s so frustrating and by the time I get the basics covered and want to get on to more important material, she’s signing off to leave, because we’re 10 hours a part in time…
So, as I’m reading these accounts of her life long after the fact, I’m realizing that all the times I wake up in the middle of night thinking that something might be wrong or that I wish I could communicate to her…those were the very situations that she’s writing about….and I’m aware that she and the team needed the extra prayer at these times…that even though I couldn’t talk to her and didn’t know all the details, God did, and He’s taught me this year to pray when I wake up for whatever reason rather than worry or speculate. I wake up a lot and it used to scare me, but now I pray, and from what I’ve just read, it’s a good thing that I did and that I didn’t know all the details. Emily has been in a few risky situations that she’s handled very wisely, and God protected her. Some of her team members have been sick, and God has provided medicine and healing. It’s about trust and dependence…it’s really hard and actually “exhausting”!
I always say that true rest is “eternal rest”, not meant to occur in this life….at least not for Moms! We’ll get our rest in the next life, because our children and husbands need extra prayer for now, and God knows we’re light sleepers!

Christian-culture Cocktail

It's interesting how humans universally define their worth based on tasks accomplished, financial status, material possessions, physical appearance and ability, and by their human relationships instead of on the basis of being created in the image of a loving God who desires that we not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds in order to worship Him and serve Him as living sacrifices. We've been invited by the Most High to spend eternity with Him, and He's provided redemption from our sin through the death of His son on the cross...that's giving us a position of great worth! But we stubbornly believe that we have to earn His attention by our works and performance which ultimately leads us to believe that we deserve His attention and favor, which then leads us to believe that we're inherently good. Therefore if God places us in a position of strength and power, we can be the saviors of the world, rescuing the needy and remaking them in our image. Our culture has been stirred in to our thinking....like a Christian-culture cocktail!

It's odd... the way we deceive ourselves into thinking that our pursuits are what God really wants for us; we believe He'll provide what we want (because what we want is all good) and that's our idea of the abundant life. For the average Christian in America, it takes on similar forms of this...our happy healthy kids around us, a spacious comfortable clean place to live, preferably a private school education, an acceptable job which provides enough money to pay for anything we need, even some wants and a little extra for giving away, a church which wows us by its great teaching, challenges us but is light on guilt and demands little of our actual time and involvement, allowing us time for all our kids' sports and music events... throw in some good friends, a couple of vacations each year or a mission trip so we're globally-minded, and we're good.

As I read and hear the news in less fortunate parts of the world, the Christian life experience as I know it slams smack into the face of the one another person is experiencing, and the two are not compatible. My culture has had that much of an effect on me that I honestly have bought into the thinking that the American way is the Christian way and God will absolutely honor our wishes and bless our endeavors just because we ask Him to ....because He's God and He can...and we're right to believe in freedom and human rights and liberties, so God will honor those values. Yes, He can, but He doesn't have to and may not want to and doesn't owe us anything...and what about the people on the other side with no rights who are also praying to Him for provision, mercy, healing, food, jobs, and a humanitarian government. Are they less deserving? Are we even deserving at all? Entitlement creeps into my thinking almost imperceptively. Yes,I realize that if I picked any third-world country and instantly made it a developed first-world country with wealth and freedom and opportunity for all, then those people would also be spoiled and have an entitled mindset...it's not that Americans or Westerners are inherently this way...all people have the same tendency for self-absorption and gratification based on their living conditions and life circumstances, and if their understanding of God is that He's the great provider of life as they like it, then they'll be believers! Of course that's true, but I happen to be the one experiencing the good life at the moment.

So why the confusion and discontentment? I'm reminded that I need to see myself as God sees me and go to the Bible as my source to find my worth, to recognize my sinful state and need for the only solution to my sin, my savior Jesus Christ, and discover what the abundant life actually is...not what my culture has redefined it to be... which has always been skewed towards self-sufficiency... individualism and independence (that's the American way)... being so careful to separate church and state that by doing so, we've come up with a new recipe for Christianity by mixing culture into it. The result is that we've distanced ourselves from God just enough so that what He thinks and what He defines as essential truth has become blurred and undiscernible. It's like we've become inoculated against the real thing, so we're not experiencing authentic Christian life. No wonder we're discontent and disillusioned! Oops, I'm mixing my metaphors...let's just say that too many cocktails can blur your thinking and create a false sense of reality...is that better? Sorry...

I am realizing the inconsistencies in my mind as I've had discussions with Emily during her college years and I read scripture, and lately as I follow the blogs of the World Racers this year and watch their experiences with other cultures, other races and people groups. As they have this opportunity to remove themselves from their own cultural influences, I wonder if they are struggling with these same internal battles, and how objectively can they evaluate the onslaught of other ideologies and influences which will inevitably present themselves. A lot of them are on the WR because of this...they have been taught and challenged in their Bible and Anthropology and Sociology classes, and they're disturbed by the idea of one culture defining and imposing its will on all cultures, that the old-school way of doing mission work is no longer acceptable in their minds...now they hope to see the world with new eyes and deliver their message of Christ's love with a more humble and servant-hearted approach. I admire this generation's fervor and global perspective...they really do have a better understanding of biblical values and why all people are worth loving and saving...and for their young unscrambled minds, it's not that big of a task to filter and expunge all the cultural impurities that have muddied the waters, but for my old brain, it seems too daunting. Where do we start? How do we know what's culture and what's actual Christian truth? They seem wiser in some ways, and hopefully will be more successful than my generation at what's really essential...keeping their focus on God and His Word which is pure, unchanging, timeless, and relevant to all people in all cultures and also on His ultimate goal which is that one day, all will bow and worship Him and know the truth.

Colossians 2:8 See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and
deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and
the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

Community

I've been reminded about the importance of community as I've read the blogs of Emily and her teammates on the World Race these past 7 months. They have become family to each other, and as is true with families, some days are difficult and full of conflict, and other days are marked by celebrating high moments or shouldering each others' burdens, but the average day is living together in community...six or seven people from all different backgrounds sharing the same space while adjusting to new cultures, new languages...their challenge is accepting one another and honoring Christ.

It's common for the teams to be divided up along the way allowing new leaders to emerge and avoid becoming ingrown and too comfortable. But the leadership of the World Race has a policy whereby teams who are struggling to function well because of interpersonal conflicts are required to stay together until these are worked out rather than leaving problems unresolved. In the short term, it seems frustrating and inefficient, but in the long run, it's best for the racers' future relationships and personal development. I applaud this, because in real life, you can't just remove a person who annoys you at work or at church, and even though many marriages dissolve from "irreconcilable" differences, it's God's desire that we grow through our differences and learn to forgive each other. By not interrupting this process on the World Race, team members usually learn to love one another. That seems to be the case with Team Wreckonciled (aptly named)!

A healthy team manages to have fun together in creative ways to endure the monotony at times. It warmed my heart when Emily told me about their Christmas in July celebration. The guys bought the girls ice cream, and dinner was hamburgers, mashed potatoes with gravy, and loaded fries...a complete departure of their normal fare. They read the Christmas story, listened to Christmas carols, and had a secret Santa gift exchange. I watched the video and laughed so hard..their gifts seemed to reflect their growing fondness for each other! Their spirits were lifted and the whole event provided a much needed evening of jolliness!

Community is born in these moments...

The Things I Can't Control...Oh, That Would Be Everything!

Emily mentioned the other day that several of her squad members had malaria and a few had typhoid, so her team was being tested for these before they finish their monthly ministry in Uganda..that was unsettling, but it happens..thankfully, they were fine. She had been vaccinated against typhoid and had been on malaria meds for a while, but precautions were taken anyway, just in case. Of course, I'm imagining her blood being drawn with a dirty needle, but she's already had the test, so what's done is done....and the all familiar fears creep into my mind. I begin to pray...

So today the team leaves their house in Uganda to get a couple of days of R&R before their debrief in Nairobi, Kenya and next assignment in Tanzania. They are ready for a change of scenery plus a little fun, so off they go to Jinja in Uganda for some bungeeing and white water rafting (class 5)! Again, I am fearful. What possesses people to jump off bridges tied to an elastic rope or ride through the roughest river water in the world, being tossed into the water and hurled into rocks...maybe I've read too many other blogs! I loved white water rafting the time I went, but I was in class 2 water...mild compared to this. So even on their off "fun" days, my fears take over, and I imagine the worse case scenarios.

The World Race is making me face my issues head on...I hate being out of control and unable to fix something or prevent something bad from happening. I hate being far away from my child and unable to jump on a plane to go help her. Once again, I'm reminded that she's much better off in God's hands than mine and I never was in control. She's an adult and has a free will to make choices. I place God back in His rightful place as Lord of all and in control of the universe (not that He ever left) and get down on my worn out knees to pray for health and safety and His will to be done...

Born to Leave...

Emily is in Africa. She was in Kenya last month and Uganda this month...her conditions have been rough, and our communication very limited. I hate being cut off from her...I have so many questions. Mostly, I miss seeing her face and feeling her hugs and having her company. I dreamed the other night for the first time since she left six months ago of our reunion...we were hugging and crying, so happy to see each other....then I woke up crying just like in my dream and realized it wasn't real. I seldom remember dreams, so this was vivid and bittersweet. I realized how much I need to see her and how the next three and half months will be a lot of the same...poor internet or no internet and lots of praying. Selfishly, I want the time to move along, but I also want her to embrace and experience each moment and savor the present day. Then today, I launched our son off to college, and the house became empty and way too quiet. I realize how much I actually like the sound of their voices and the activity around me.

I know we can't hold on to our children. If they fly out of the nest and find their way in life by using their gifts to love and serve others, and walk with God, then we can feel a peace that though we experience the physical absence from them, they will be all right, and they will be fulfilled.....and then so will we...but the process is painful and lonely. I try to treasure every moment I have with my kids, and talk to God a lot about them. He's patient even though I repeat myself all the time, and He even understands when I stare at their pictures a lot online and cry unexpectedly. He likes the sound of my voice, too. I realize that He really does understand...and it's comforting.

Not the Amazing Race!

Emily is in Africa. She was in Kenya last month and Uganda this month...her internet is very limited and unreliable...when she does get through, the connection cuts out a lot..

I finally heard from her today...what a relief! Last word we got was about the team arriving in Uganda and moving into a vacant house with no power that's infested with thousands of roaches, and how they have to stay under their mosquito nets from sundown on due to the area being a high malaria risk...sure sounds dismal to a parent reading this on the other side of the world, worrying about their health and safety! But today I hear that they are working with a church and school, teaching, preaching, playing with the kids, and doing some construction. They still live in the infested house, but instead of being in shock and bummed, they are making a funny video about the roaches! I call that making the best of a negative situation and optimizing an opportunity. Afterall, they are on the WORLD RACE in Third World countries, not the Amazing Race in First World countries...they're in it for the long-haul making a difference for God's Kingdom, not competing for a short term to win a prize for themselves. I'm so proud of them, and I feel like if they can make it another four months, so can I!

Disappointment or His Appointment

Oh my goodness....I'm exhausted watching the Women's World Cup Final: USA vs. Japan! USA was expected to win after coming back twice earlier in the tournament against Brazil and France. So, I was stunned as I watched our team miss opportunity after opportunity to score and put us in the lead...and eventually lose the fight. I had played the whole game from my recliner...and in my mind's game, we scored those goals in the first half and USA won without resorting to PKS! That was how it was supposed to be! In a perfect world, it happens....(unless you're Japanese in which case you want what really happened to happen!!) Congratulations Japan...you came back twice and did what it took to have victory in the end....and you've given your demoralized and devastated country the hope and resilience it needs to stand up again and rebuild. You earned it...you deserve it...and you needed it more.

Watching that game made me think about how often our expectations are unmet and how we adapt them to match our reality. I thought about what Emily recently said about the World Race, ...."you never know what to expect", how seemingly unplanned each day is....and then watch what unfolds as God reveals His goals for that day...His plans to use them to build His kingdom through trust, availability, sacrifice, servant-heartedness, compassion, love, submission, selflessness, and dependence...and at the end of the day, He is glorified! This is one of the World Race trademarks..."they check with God first for the plan"....they pray, wait on the Lord, "expect" Him to lead, then plan accordingly or follow accordingly, being (reasonably) patient during delays when the truck breaks down or gets stuck in the mud...and flexible when schedules change (which they inevitably do)... and then marvel at how God somehow salvages the day and accomplishes His will through those "interruptions and problems". Wow, what great lessons in life the World Race is teaching the team....and me.

I'm learning a lot by watching them, reading their blogs, and processing what it all means to me. I'm learning (or relearning) that the best days are the ones where I don't have it all planned out, because on those days, there is usually a divine appointment waiting for me that I would have missed out on had I planned each moment for me. In earlier days, I used to think those appointments were interruptions and I often missed their significance. I'm reminded that all time belongs to God, and so it's best to check in with Him each morning first before I waste too much of the day pursuing my own goals....just to see if He has other ideas of what is more important to spend my time doing. I don't like to waste time. I'm not a patient person. I tend to plan in order to prevent wasting time or opportunity. So, on the days when I check in with God (because there are too many when I don't bother)....these are the surprise days, the blessing days, the Aha! days. And I realize that God wants me to have many many more of these days. He wants me to be like a child who starts each day with eager anticipation of what's to come...letting the day unravel naturally and trusting Him to plan it for me...like I used to plan out my kids' days, full of fun and learning. Culturally, I've been conditioned to plan each day so that I accomplish or achieve or acquire, because either my job required it or my family needed it...but somehow in the process, I often missed seeing the faces, hearing the voices, smelling the flowers, touching the softness, tasting the flavors. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted but not fulfilled. I had put off the experience that God wanted me to have to get my list checked off.

I've thought about what it would be like to redo some days by undoing my own plans and replacing them with what God would have done with that day just to see what I missed. But I don't think God wants me to be burdened with guilt and regret. He wants me to take what I've learned from yesterday and focus on today and tomorrow, so instead of regretting the redo days, I've chosen to revisit the days that I wouldn't change even if I could, the ones that I got right! Now that I've learned the secret, there's a promise in my future and the blessings far outnumber the regrets!

Hitting the Wall Happens to Parents, Too!

It's so hard to believe that Emily is in month seven of the World Race!! How is that possible? When she left in January, it felt like she was leaving for life, and I braced myself for the long days of waiting and wondering. Sounds dismal, eh? Well it has been dismal some days....like when I haven't heard from her in two or three weeks (sometimes longer) because the internet is either unavailable in her "rain forest" or too weak in her town to receive a skype call. It can feel dismal when she's sick and hurting, and there's nothing I can do to comfort her or fix it...but pray...a lot...(the World Race is great for your prayer life!). It can feel dismal when she's worn down and discouraged, and I can't cook her favorite meal or a batch of chocolate chips cookies or rub her back, like I did when she was home or send her a care package like I did when she was in college!

Emily is enthusiastic and optimistic during our skype talks, because she's happy to see us, and she chooses to focus on the good and positive instead of the negative to keep her perspective. But once in a while, I ask her the hard questions to help her "feel". And it's weird how I've felt some of the same feelings as she has...sometimes simultaneously. I'm not saying that I've felt "all" the same feelings such as homesickness or craving for a certain food or the chronic aching in my feet (Em has foot problems) from hiking 5 miles to preach to a village or sticky and filthy from no shower for several days...those I can't say I've experienced, and even if I do, I can stay home, get off my feet or go take a shower! So, if I even hint about comparing my circumstances to her and her team, I will receive a verbal lashing and be labeled delusional and disconnected with reality! What I mean is that while she is feeling homesick, I'm feeling the same longing to see her...to hug her and talk face-to-face. So, it seems that as the Racers experience cycles of emotions throughout their year, so do their parents...at least I have.

For our kids, they started out with feelings of high hopes, exhilaration, enthusiasm and anticipation, then moved on to continued enthusiasm with a dose of reality but still energized...then on to "Okay, I'm doing some amazing, out-of-the-box stuff for God, and He and I are getting tighter", then to "Hey, I'm learning some new words in Spanish and I think God is calling me to work with at-risk-children..what's next?!", to "If I have to eat another plate of beans and tortillas and hear cats fighting outside my window for hours, I will go crazy" ...oh, and "I'm SO sick of these same clothes!" to "Why do my teammates annoy me so much?" Then there are days of sickness and nights of very little sleep, and more frustration with teammates (after all, when you spend that much time with the same people for that long, there is bound to be conflict). Eventually, they say, "Now what was the reason I came on this journey????" Feelings of homesickness return and then the realization hits that they have five more months to go! Then month six surprises them..."Wow, that was the best month of ministry ever!" and while their energy is renewed, it's short-lived because 'letdown' follows from the 'high' of month six as they adjust to a new culture, feeling like the next four months may never end. But hope surges again from the exhilaration of a breakthrough with a teammate or a great ministry moment.... and on and on. I'm sure I can't speak for everyone, because though situations may be similar to all racers, life issues out of their control prior to the race affect their responses to the conditions they find themselves in. But, generally speaking, the racers' moods and emotions go through this pattern, and though I can't say I've experienced the same conditions, I can say that I've had similar cycles of highs and lows and steady days...partly because I tend to feel the feelings of my child and bear her burdens, and partly because I'm going through my own life struggles at the same time which include those moments I wouldn't change if I could and those moments I would love to change but can't.

So, by month seven, I'm wearing down and I'm ready to see my kid! I'm sick of being separated. I feel like I hit a wall when she did. They say the racers hit one about month five. Well, check....I've hit one too, because I'm tired of missing her, and I'm feeling like I can't wait another six months. It's no longer okay that the internet doesn't function well or that she may not be able to blog or email next month! At first, I told myself that it was okay, that it hasn't been that long...just relax. Now, I don't know what to say to her when she needs encouragement, because I NEED ENCOURAGEMENT!

Anyway, enough venting! Even though we parents can't totally relate to our kid's feelings and struggles, we have our own which seem to track with theirs and somehow, it all keeps us connected and embraced for the time being until we will all be reunited again....oh how sweet it will be!

Global Family

It’s so fun to see how God leads his children to become involved in the Kingdom work. We’re excited for our friend, Steven Reed, as he leaves in nine days to begin the World Race! He is like a son to us. He and Emily have been good friends since the second grade. They have grown up together and have always been close, working together on school projects, student government, and now share a passion for missions and international work. Steven went with Emily and me to Guatemala last year to help in the orphanage where Emily had spent the previous summer. He fell in love with the people in Central America, and the next thing we knew, he took an internship in Panama. Now he is going on the World Race and was chosen as his team leader! He is compassionate and hard-working. We’re happy to support his ministry this next year and follow his journey. Follow along with us at www.stevenreed.theworldrace.org.

We are big believers in going to see what God is doing in the world and becoming a part of it if possible. It has been so great meeting online and following so many committed young adults on the World Race. We feel like we know Emily’s teammates even though we have never met them face-to-face. We read their blogs and pray for them daily. They have become family to us this year. Their joys are ours, and their heartaches and burdens are ours, too!

The biggest blessing for the World Racers seems to be their global family…the brothers and sisters they meet and serve around the world. Language barriers disappear, differences become invisible and are replaced by common dreams for a better world……a preview of heaven. I’ve learned a lot about myself through watching and hearing their messages through their videos and blogs, and feeling honored to be a member of their audience, but wishing I was along on the race.

And then I realize that I am a member of the global family, too. I’m just an older member who has run my own race and though a little further along in the journey, I’ve not yet arrived at the destination…there’s still so much work to be done, so little time left, and all of us are needed to accomplish the task. The Racers have paved a way….and in the process of praying for them and financially supporting them, they opened my heart to passions I had forgotten about, that I really care about…. but life got busy and I put things on hold…hey just because I am 53 doesn’t mean I want to make any less of an impact than the 22 year old on the race or that God is finished with me yet…so thanks for inspiring and reminding me to get back on track and in the action! For so many people, you have jolted our memories and renewed our confidence in what God will do with an individual’s availability and trust in Him….and you’ve given us fresh faith in the Lord’s goodness.

Fellow racers, I know you’re getting tired, and worn down, and homesick, and ready to take a break….but hold on and finish strong the race that is set before you…..then we’ll join you for the rest!

When Heaven Meets Earth

I’ve been amazed at Mae’s story! Emily has loved her ministry opportunity in Thailand. She loves to make a plan, set goals, and set it in action. It’s an unexpected joy to see the plan come together before your very eyes especially in a timely manner. She is used to the Latin American culture where things take a long time to happen. So, it has been so exciting to follow Mae and another woman named Ning on their journey to freedom from the sex trade industry in Chiang Mai, Thailand. God’s fingerprints (or as Emily calls them, “God winks”) are all over this story. It’s so compelling…I can’t begin to tell it like Emily….so read it and be touched. She wrote it in real time…we were all hanging on… waiting each day for the next portion…read them all beginning with Part 1 from the following: She Has A Dream: Mae’s Story (Part 1) at http://emilytuttle.theworldrace.org/?filename=she-has-a-dream. And her teammates, Tiffany’s blog : Life for Sale: Only $100 at www.tiffanyprater.theworldrace.org and Joy’s blog: Love at the Kitty Cats Bar: Part 1 at www.joyrobertson.theworldrace.org are also very telling about this drama.

It’s exhilarating to be involved in such life-changing events…..to be partnered with God in what He is doing in His kingdom here on Earth, as it is in Heaven. Any given day, as we pray for God to work and intervene in lives and governments, we are part of the grand scheme…..but sometimes, God allows us to play more of a key role in a miracle He is performing….and that’s as good as it gets! Emily and her team felt this way about their time in Thailand….with Emmi at Lighthouse in Action, and the friends they made at the Kitty Cats Bar.

I know they have been changed forever……and so have I…

Fear Management

Month 3…There were so many reasons why I was afraid of Emily going on this trip, why I still am afraid…the usual Mom issues. I’m afraid she will get sick. I keep warning her to stay hydrated. I think about parasites, bad water, diseases like Malaria or typhoid. I’m afraid she will get in an accident…the buses get so close to the edge of curvy mountain roads and small unknown airline companies are prevalent in many countries…the planes are old used ones with mechanical problems. I’m afraid of security issues, that someone will bother her…I guess I’ve seen too many movies like “Taken”. I’m afraid of many things. I knew when she left that there would be times that we would not be able to communicate with her when the internet is not available. She told me to expect it. But, I hate being cut off. When I don’t hear from her in an email or a text or a facebook message, I worry until I hear something…which can be a long time. It’s hard not to be irrational and let my imagination run away with scary scenarios. I’ve had many nights of poor sleep and worry.

It’s now month 6…I’ve learned some lessons. I’ve learned to remember the time God confirmed to my heart in Guatemala as I watched her with the children in the orphanage…that she needs to go, that I can’t get in the way of what she believes God is leading her to do. I can’t interrupt what God is doing in her heart…so when my fears rise up, I’ve learned to remember that moment. I’ve learned to pray every time I start worrying. I thought my prayer life was strong from all the practice I’d had raising children, being a wife, balancing work and home…. but at least I knew where everyone was and I could communicate with them. The World Race has challenged my prayer life like nothing else. It helps me take my worries to God who gives perspective to me. He is with her and me simultaneously. He can answer our prayers and calm our fears simultaneously. I’ve learned to recognize when my fears are creeping in….see the red flags, and give my burden sooner to God rather than letting my feelings get carried away. There’s nothing I can do anyway. It’s hard to admit that I have a control issue, and it’s hard to accept when I am completely out of control. By that I mean when I can’t see or talk to my family, and know that they are well, and be able to do things to meet their needs, then I feel out of my element and my world is not right. But on the upside, it forces me to depend on God instead of myself, and causes my faith to grow.

I struggle the most on the travel days….when Emily is transitioning from country to country, so we are out of touch for several days at a time. I imagine all kinds of problems. But, it’s sweet when I hear from her. I also struggle when internet is very limited. Skype calls and internet capability are huge blessings during the WR, so when these are cut off, it’s not easy. Receiving her blogs is a daily anticipation, and it’s always a letdown when several days go by with no news. But, it’s what I expect….and keeping my expectations realistic is important. Emily is good about telling us what to expect, and she makes herself available online as often as possible, so it’s a challenge to manage my expectations. I get spoiled during the good months of great communication….then I have to adjust during the slow months.

I’ve learned that trusting God is a day to day process…

Comfort Zone....Really??

I think I’m dehydrated from crying so much. Her blogs are not just telling the stories of broken lives and needy souls, they’re revealing her heart…her passion…who she really is…and she tells them so beautifully, so compellingly, so blatantly, so graciously. But why do they affect me so much? Why do they have to be about so much pain and sadness and brokenness. Why couldn’t they be fairy tales with happy endings or just human interest stories from other countries or theological lessons she’s learning from exposure to different church backgrounds and denominations. Instead, I have to deal with feelings of conviction, disgust, hatred, anger, helplessness, despair, sadness, and many other unpleasant emotions that rise up in me as I’m confronted with the harsh reality of the shattered and torn lives of total strangers I’ve only met because I let myself be vulnerable and I read their stories. Through her blogs, I meet these people….I find out about these people….I know about these people. They have names now and families….like me! I can’t deny their existence anymore. I can’t ignore their plights anymore. I can’t claim ignorance anymore…I know too much. I can’t be naïve anymore…I am no longer clueless to their struggles. But it’s supposed to be their feelings of loss, abandonment, heartache, trauma, indignity, hurt, horror, deprivation….not mine! After all, I’m just reading a story, a diary, a journal.

Why do I now feel like I’ve lost my innocence…my excuses…I’m SO uncomfortable now, SO bothered, SO annoyed at what I’ve heard and can’t do anything about….SO aware of just how messed up this planet is and instead of answers, I have more questions! I am SO out of my comfort zone…isn’t that what we say now in modern times, especially in the church? We like to be in our “comfort zones”, and when we’re presented with opportunities to step out and do something new and daring and exciting and dare I say, impactful or life-changing, the first thing that pops out of our mouths is, “I don’t think I can handle that…it puts me too far out of my comfort zone…it’s just not me, but I’ll pray about it”… blah,blah,blah. Why does that now leave a sour taste in my mouth? We avoid situations that threaten us or push us too close to the edge of our comfort levels….and we avoid people who make us feel guilty or convicted about things that are “uncomfortable” to think about. Where did that thinking come from? Forget for a minute that I have principles or convictions and that I claim to be a follower of Jesus Christ….let’s put aside the obvious reason for motivating me to become involved in things or with people who make me uncomfortable. Let’s say I’m an atheist or have no belief system which dictates moral responsibility to others in need. How can I be human but not humanitarian? How can I just look the other way once I’ve become aware and just change the channel to watch something more entertaining, something light and mindless…because, after all, life is hard enough. It is?! Since when? Is my life hard?! Where did I get that idea?!! So, eventually my senses become dulled…so what. That can be a good thing, right? And what’s wrong with that? I didn’t cause anyone to be poor or trapped in slavery or prostitution or become sick or a victim of a natural disaster or a member of an abusive family or a citizen of a corrupt government or a victim of rape or an orphan…I can’t be blamed for all these problems in the world! Let’s be reasonable. Those things happened from poor choices and unfortunate events. So it’s really ok to turn away from the ugliness, to close my eyes from the grotesque, to cover my ears from the crying and noise, to hold my nose from the stench, to wear gloves to protect me from the germs and contagion….so get off my back! What’s the big deal?! I shouldn’t have to experience these peoples’struggles. And so what if eventually I can’t see, or hear, or smell, or feel anything except what I want to. That’s my right, my choice.

How did comfort become my goal? How did it all become about me and my feelings being protected. Why do my feelings matter when theirs don’t? How did I get the privilege of living securely and safely and comfortably? How did I get rights? How did I get to be free? How did I get to be educated? How did I get to hear about the love and forgiveness and sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to follow Him without any negative consequences? How is it ok to be indifferent to others’ pain, to be uninvolved in human sufferings….why is that an option? Apparently it is in most places that I’ve lived. I’ve always heard that “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” and “ignorance is bliss”. What is that about? Are these words of wisdom that I should build my life around and strive for….to raise up a wall of protection around me so that I can be unaware and ignorant and therefore, it won’t cost me anything or hurt my feelings or “require” any response from me. I’m so disgusted with my acquiescence, my apathy, my COMFORT! I thought I had come further than this. I really thought I had become a decent human being who cared deeply for all people, all races, all cultures. I thought my heart had been broken for the downtrodden and poor. Instead, I’ve kept my world so small and predictable. I’ve been controlling the thermostat and shutting the doors to make sure my environment is air-tight and free of pollutants, bugs, heat, smells, unpleasant sounds like the cries of hunger or those in pain right here in my own city not to mention the rest of the globe. How in any way can this be acceptable? I’ve made sure that I was always relatively comfortable…I’ve bought into our culture that says I should be comfortable. I even spout about how God is teaching me to branch out of my “comfort zone” almost as if it’s real or something spiritual. As far as I know, it doesn’t even exist! It’s not in the Bible. I guess we got it from the Declaration of Independence where it mentions our right to the ”pursuit of happiness”. Yes, happiness must mean comfort. But somehow, it doesn’t make me happy to know that I get to be comfortable when so many aren’t. It doesn’t make me happy to know that just because I grew up with privilege and freedom that I should claim it as a right just because I can… while they can’t….is that when they say, “stinks for them?”. I always wondered when that expression was acceptable…I get it now.

This is a real dilemma. I’ve been reading these blogs and they’re making me think, they’re making me feel, they’re making me cry, they’re making me wonder… what did I think about or feel before I learned about so many precious but tragic lives? It does stink for them. They don’t have a choice. They don’t have the option of being comfortable. And, they’re making me UNCOMFORTABLE!!

Better Than Fine

We were in South Africa visiting our ministry team and on the way to a church outside Johannesburg where Phil,my husband, was scheduled to speak at a pastors conference....when we received a call from Emily, our World Racer, at 2:00 am her time. We were surprised and concerned to be hearing from her! Her first words were, "Dad, first of all, I'm fine." Best words we could have heard! Then she told us about how she had been robbed a few hours earlier and her laptop, external hard drive, and new camera were stolen during their team time when everyone was away. It was the first time she had lowered her guard, feeling a false sense of security since the apartment they were staying in was in a locked courtyard. Someone had access to a key, and they must have known what she owned and where they were staying. Thankfully, she was safe, and not physically assaulted. She was not even present. That was the main blessing. But she was shaken and felt violated and disappointed, even disillusioned, and sad that she had lost her month of pictures from Ecuador and documentation from there. She had recorded so many images and made videos...priceless and irreplaceable. She had grown so close to the people there and had learned so much from her time in the rain forest...it was a huge personal loss. She wanted to be strong for her team, because they were all paranoid about theft, and she didn't want to put fear in their hearts....but her emotions were strong, and she was struggling...it was lonely and difficult.

We were upset and felt so badly for her. As parents, we wanted to drop everything, run to her side, and fix it! But we knew there was nothing we could do for her at that time, and it was very hard if not impossible to comfort her so far away. So we listened and told her how thankful we were that she was okay, and that we would do everything possible to replace her lost items...and told her to try to get some sleep. And we prayed a LOT for her. It was really difficult. That night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and wanted to be with Emily and make sure she was feeling safe. I needed to know that she was taken care of and I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be all right like I did when she was a child....but all I could do is ask God to meet her in a special way and make His presence known to her stronger than she had experienced so far since she left home. I knew He would take care of her, but I didn't know just how okay she was until the next morning...when I awoke to read a blog she had written during the night. Here it is...

....A Sloppy Wet Kiss

Posted in Peru by Emily Tuttle on 3/17/2011

I love Christmastime for a lot of reasons, but one of my favorite things is wrapping presents. In my family I'm the present wrapper. I like to choose the perfect paper for each person's interests, neatly wrap the present with exactly three pieces of Scotch tape, and select an accompanying ribbon to tie a beautiful bow on top. One year I even bought plain, solid colored paper, wrapped all the presents, and then took gold and silver paint and painted pictures and patterns onto the paper so that I could design each present's appearance. I know...it sounds just the tiniest bit obsessive. Suffice it to say, I thoroughly enjoy when things are nicely wrapped up in a neat, aesthetically-pleasing package with no loose ends.

The World Race is the exact opposite of that.

During our first meeting as a new team after the changes at debrief in Quito, our new leader, Jeremiah, asked each of us what the World Race is to us. Why did we come? Why did we leave our homes for eleven months? What are we hoping to gain, do, achieve, give, or take away from this? In light of recent events, my answer seems oddly fitting, and I think the time has come to share with you what the World Race is to me...


I had a lot of reasons for coming on the World Race. Most of them have to do with the fact that it's pretty much the coolest ministry idea I've ever heard of. If I could design a ministry that would be ideal for me and my life calling, it would look very similar. So I applied. But it wasn't until I was on the Race, in the Dominican Republic, that I realized exactly what I was participating in.

During our time in the DR, we frequently had corporate worship with the four teams living in the San Juan house. Bekah would play her guitar, and the song she always came back to was How He Loves. We sang it almost every time we had worship, and it has become a favorite of our squad. One night as we were singing, part of the lyrics jumped out in my mind, and I realized: This is the World Race.

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us, oh how he loves us...

A sloppy, wet kiss.
It hit me...the World Race is that sloppy, wet kiss. There are many goals behind the Race, but more than anything it's about heaven meeting earth. It's about bringing heaven to earth and showing people that they can live inside the love of God, protected in the palm of his hand--not only after they die and go to heaven, but right now as well. It's about teaching people that miracles still happen, and that we still serve the same powerful God of the Bible. Through prayer, following the Holy Spirit, and living out our faith daily, World Racers seek to live in that intersection of supernatural and literal. We want to live inside of the sloppy, wet kiss, in the place where heaven meets earth, but what does that look like?

Basically, it looks exactly how it sounds...sloppy, messy, confusing, intense, amazing. It's like living inside of the spark that happens when two electrically charged things touch. We live in moments of divine appointment, moments of influence, moments of uncertainty, moments of impact.

Sometimes it's a million degrees and you're covered in mud, sweat, and countless bug bites. Sometimes kids are climbing all over you, slobbering on your shirt and blessing your already-hot body with their additional body heat. Sometimes, like I did last night, you get all your things stolen when thieves break into your apartment.

But at those same times, you remember that the mud you're hiking through is leading you to people who need to hear about God. You realize that you are getting to love his children, and thereby love him. You understand that things are things and that people matter more.

The World Race is all of this. Instead of a nicely wrapped package with a pretty bow on top, it's messy, but it's the means through which God is bringing his Kingdom to earth, and there's nowhere I'd rather be. My time at Wheaton College taught me to do everything For Christ and His Kingdom, and the World Race is certainly that. Even though right now I'm dirty, I don't exactly smell like rose petals, and I no longer own any of my valuables, I'm happy, because unlike most people on planet Earth, I'm doing my dream job. I'm living in the sloppy, wet kiss.

On earth as it is in heaven... (end of blog)

All I can say is that it was the biggest hug from God that I have received in long time...just what I needed to hear. It was a huge blessing for me and Phil as parents separated from our child who is experiencing stress and had gone through a very disturbing ordeal. Wow, we cried...and we knew she was going to be fine and had experienced the tender loving care of her Heavenly Father in a new way. It took this event to make us more aware that we were no longer her providers, her sufficiency, her comfort, her security....we couldn't be....we could only watch from afar and be witnesses of something truly special happening to our daughter. It didn't mean that she didn't still feel hurt and sad and afraid and violated, but her needs were being met by her teammates as they shared their laptops with her so she could stay connected and keep up her blogs, and they took extra pictures of her in ministry and with special people and in special places so she could have recorded memories later, and they prayed with her and encouraged her and gave her their support....it was the body of Christ at work which is a beautiful thing when it happens the way God intended...out of need and full of grace! Praise be to God!

Hugged by God

Well, I got pretty spoiled last month when Emily was in the DR (Dominican Republic)and we heard from her every couple of days. I didn't know how good we had it until this month. She's been living in El Reten, Ecuador, a tiny village located in a rain forest five or six hours from Quito and two hours from the nearest town where internet is available,though not a strong signal. So, let's just say that we have been out of touch with Emily, and that has been disconcerting to me. My tendencies to worry and speculate have been excessively abused. When I found out that the whole village was down with an intestinal virus, and that Emily had come down with a fever and nausea (she managed to text me somehow....she keeps her phone off since it's very expensive to let it roam when unused, but she tried it once to see if it worked). Of course, on the one hand, I was ecstatic to hear from her, because it had been several weeks....and on the other hand, I started worrying afterwards, imagining dehydration and not able to get good medical help with the closest town two hours away. Several days went by, and my mind was quite creative with all the possible outcomes that had inevitably developed. I was sitting in my family room, holding my phone the other night, and God did something very kind to me. I prayed that I would hear something from Emily soon to know that she was ok so that I could have some peace of mind. Literally within seconds of praying that, my phone beeped. I looked down in my hand to see who sent me a text....it was Emily!!!! She said sorry that she had turned off her phone and hadn't seen my message asking for an update on her health. She was doing fine and had returned to ministering with the VBS program 6 miles away. Her appetite had not returned, but she was much better. Talk about perfect timing! This was it! In one week, she will leave El Reten and return to Quito for several days of Debriefing, then off to Peru...

Building the Team

It’s hard to believe that it’s the last day of January and the end of month one of the World Race! It went by so quickly for me compared to what I imagined initially. I don’t know if Team Kaleo feels the same way. They are finishing up these last two days in the DR and heading out on Thursday, Feb.3rd for Equador, Country #2!

I’m excited for them. They will have a long layover in Miami on their way to South America. Of course, I wish I could just fly in for the day and surprise Emily, but parents and family and friends are encouraged not to visit their racers during the year, because it tends to interrupt the team dynamics and emotional stability of the groups. I guess that’s a good way to describe it. I understand what they mean, but selfishly I would like to show up bearing gifts and homemade cookies and hugs to personally encourage them!  Let’s face it, skype , though wonderful, just doesn’t feel the same as a real hug! I do know it would be hard for the parents of one racer to show up and not the parents of another, when they all have bouts of homesickness, illnesses where they want “mom”, frustrations that would be eased by some face time with a family member or a close friend instead of relying on one another and learning to trust your team members. The growth of the team and their dependence on God and one another is essential for this mission to work effectively; unity is hugely important and it is based on good communication which takes time and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another. They need to get to know each other. I realize from experience that building a team is hard and the process can be fragile and easily sabotaged if everyone had days off with visitors. This could interrupt the culture of dependence, trust, and respect that God is trying to develop which hopefully will foster good things like forgiveness, patience, love, and maturity in Christ. So, even though I don’t like it, I respect the reasons for it and know it is based on what has worked best on previous races.

With all that said, I REALLY wish I could meet Team Kaleo and just hang out! I look forward to maybe doing that sometime. They are Emily’s family for this year, so I already love them! I call having the first reunion in Atlanta!!  Even if the teams divide up and change which I heard that they do a few times, I’m sure they will build relationships that last into the future. By the stories that I’m reading in the blogs, how can they not forge lasting bonds!

I’m not naïve enough to think that all the teams are operating smoothly. I know that there are bound to be teams struggling to grow and unify for all different reasons. It’s a process and takes prayer. I’m sure it’s very difficult to mesh so many personalities together under stressful and frustrating situations. Leadership styles differ. Racers are ministering in rough conditions; many are sick and exhausted at times. So, it’s inevitable that problems exist and of course that pleases the Enemy who wants to stop their progress and put a wedge between team members. It’s the same universally….in homes, in churches, in businesses, in organizations….it’s Satan’s goal to stop the kingdom work!

So, the last couple of weeks, I have been prompted to pray more about this. With the first month being the time that all the teams begin their initial work, early patterns and dynamics are formed that will define them and create an atmosphere either conducive to effective ministry or dysfunctional activity. I’m far from knowing God’s ways, but I do know that He desires total reliance on Him and obedience to His will. He has chosen his believers to be the messengers of the gospel to the lost and poor and suffering. I need to remember that prayer is the key to unleashing the power, and that’s what I can do for the teams worldwide. It’s good to know that I can have a part and that all the parents, family members, and friends of the racers are essentially part of their teams. Without this support, they would be in trouble. There’s a lot of work to be done and so little time!

Twenty-three

Today is a most special day. I want to write a tribute to someone very dear to me. Twenty-three years ago today I met Emily Tuttle. It was a blizzardy day outside, and we made it to the hospital in the middle of the night before the snow began to pile up. The labor pains told me that this was going to be a long but joyful day. I was finally going to give birth to our long-awaited, long-prayed for, long-desired little one. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be a mom. I had resolved to myself that probably I was not going to be able to have a biological child after years of unsuccessful attempts, surgeries, and disappointments. We were busy preparing to adopt and well along in the process when after one more surgery to correct a problem, I became pregnant. We rejoiced and waited for the arrival. We didn’t know it was Emily, because we wanted to be surprised. I love surprises and being pregnant was surprise enough.

It turns out that Emily loves surprises, too! Emily loves to surprise me! She has pulled off several amazing and wonderful surprises during the last twenty-three years, but they all pale compared to the first one….the day she arrived and was placed in my arms. That was pure bliss, overwhelming joy, an incomparable thrill, ecstasy….to literally partner with God in the creation of a new life. It was worth all the pain….in fact, worth more pain. I can’t imagine missing out on that experience and her brother’s birth three years later. I am so privileged to be counted worthy to be Emily’s and Philip’s mom.

I remember unwrapping her in my arms for the first time to look at her miniature body, to touch her little fingers and toes and kiss each one. It was our first time to gaze into each other’s faces and be introduced. It was a sacred moment between me and Emily and God. I will forever be grateful. I have never gotten over that day. I still relive it and I still cherish the memory of it.

I knew God had plans for Emily’s life, because those years when she was only a dream in my heart, I prayed for her. I asked God to send us children to raise for His service and glory, whether they be biological or adopted. So when she came and then later her brother, my prayers stayed the same. The answered prayer of twenty-three years ago is the reason I could say goodbye to Emily on January 6, 2011, as she left on the World Race, with a peace in my heart knowing that the next year was part of that journey that I prayed for… where she will meet God in many new places and learn a new kind of dependence on Him that will sustain her from here on long after I’m gone. This year she will reach the highest highs and the lowest lows so far, and she will face challenges that she never imagined, but I know she is ready and prepared for the journey, and I know she is not alone.

Happy Birthday dear daughter. You are precious and cherished. You were always wanted and loved. We love you more than you can possibly understand at this point in your young life, but someday you will know. We will miss seeing you every day of this twenty-third year of your life and will wait longingly for our reunion, but what a way to spend this year! WOW! You are in my every thought and every prayer.

Since the first day we met, I have been changed forever….for good. I love you!

~Mom

It's All Good....or is it?

I'm reminded today of God's amazing protection and His watchful eye when we don't even know what is happening. Because Emily is living in potentially dangerous situations and constantly dealing with illness, satanic forces like witchcraft, spiritism, human trafficking, and possible government unrest, I assume that God hears my constant prayers for her protection and brings out His full regiment of angels for full-time duty on the World Race. I'm counting on that. I know He wants us to pray without ceasing and that He hears and answers prayers. And I assume that He wants what I want, right?! My prayer life has developed strongly in the last month!! Even though I've always prayed consistently for my family, I depend even more on this discipline now and realize it's essential for my daily existence. It's my oxygen. Yeah....duh.

Okay, I said I assumed God is on guard for Emily and her team. Then last night, we get a call (thankfully from our son, Philip) who was at the scene of a bad accident in which he and five other college friends totaled their vehicle, and other than being very shaken and dealing with possible mild concussions, bruises and small cuts, they were all fine! They came so close to being seriously injured or killed when their van hit black ice and they swerved between lanes of traffic and crashed into another car. I knew they were driving in bad weather and I didn't have a good feeling about it, so I texted him to be extra careful and prayed a lot yesterday for their safety. I kept wondering when we would hear that he was back safely which I assumed would be the case. When the call came, I was overwhelmingly aware of how close we came to losing him and how grateful I was to God for protecting them.

I realized that I am helpless to control my children's circumstances and completely and utterly dependent on God's will and direction for their lives. I have nothing to do with it.....I don't even know how to pray sometimes because I don't know where they are and what they are doing. I don't even know what dangers lurk every minute around them, and when I do know, I'm terrified and humbled. And why is it that I live under the illusion that just because Philip lives in this country and is "safely" in college, that somehow I am in more control of what happens to him? Neither of my kids are under my watchful eye or in my constant care! All I have in my arsenal against the dangers and snares of this world are my prayers.....and I'm learning that that's enough!

I'm realizing that I'm completely vulnerable, that I've never been in charge (thank goodness), that God always has had control and will do as He pleases with what belongs to Him. My kids are not really mine, so who am I to tell God what to do with them. So, I plead and beg for His mercy and protection and thank Him daily for allowing me to be their caregiver for another day, week, month, year. Ultimately, they are on loan and I don't even know what God has planned for their lives other than to glorify Himself through them. What does that involve? I'm learning about trust. Do I really trust God with my kids? There's that word "my" again. I've known intellectually all along that God does not need my advice or stamp of approval or "to do list" in order to accomplish His work. But do I continue to give these to Him daily.....you betcha!  I have the theological answers for a lot of things until "my" kids are involved. Then I go weak in the knees and wake up at all hours of the night. God does not owe me a thing and can and will do what He wills..... my prayers may not be answered the way I script them to be. I usually give God limited possible choices for what I ask of Him...."Yes" is the preferable one, or "all of the above"...or occasionally a "maybe" as long as it doesn't cost me.

There's no guarantee that my prayers are best even for my own flesh and blood, so I'm humbled and even terrified by this. I know the Bible teaches some things that "seem" contradictory to our finite minds but actually are not.  I like those verses about... 'all things work together for "good" to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose'.....check, I love Him and I'm called. On the other hand, I avoid the book of Job and verses like, 'though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.'  So, I'm learning more each day about letting go.....mostly about taking back and holding on....but I intend to learn......tomorrow! It's scary. It shows me what I really truly believe or don't believe about God and His nature. If I really believe that He is good and He will do good, then I have to believe that about Him when something bad happens. That's tough stuff! I'll let you know how I'm doing as we go....it's a process.

Oh the Places She'll Go

I love to look at maps and find places in the world. I used to read atlases on trips to make the time go by and to see where we were going. It used to be that books and travel maps were the only sources for map enthusiasts, but now with the internet, the options are limitless....so obviously, I love google earth and all the geography search sites plus wikipedia and more to research places! I even like trip advisor to read up on reviews of interesting places to go. I used to be a high school geography teacher for a few years, and I made my students color, label, and memorize maps of the world....much to their chagrin. I'm sure I liked it more than they did, but oh well. I actually tried to motivate them by telling them that their generation will travel more and see more places on the globe than previously....that because of the ease of travel and better access to the world through the internet and technology, they will be able to see some of the places I only read about and looked at pictures of....but I didn't realize just how true my words would become especially for one of my favorite students (I know I'm not supposed to have any) named Emily Tuttle! She pretended not to be interested in class at the age of 14, but when she started to travel some internationally with my husband who leads a global ministry, she was bitten by the bug and developed a passion for travel and desire to be involved in what God is doing around the world. Hence, this fascination has culminated in the World Race.

Currently, she is blossoming in the Dominican Republic. She is located in San Juan de la Maguana which is a small western town near the Haitian border. Yes, I've studied the maps and researched it. She and her team, Kaleo, are working as an advance team for a group of church planters. They travel to nearby villages to meet people and pray with them in an attempt to determine if there are any Christians there. They are also looking for people with strong spiritual interest and curiosity about God and the Bible. Already, in less than a week in some of the villages, they have had some amazing experiences and encounters with God. The power of prayer is the key theme of their journey so far....God's spirit, prompted by many prayers from supporters all over the world, has gone ahead of them and literally set up divine appointments! I just read Emily's newest blog about this very situation, and I got chills. What a thrill for her team to partner with God in reaching a village woman named Edith who had the courage and persistence to chase down the meaning of a dream! Read this amazing story "A Dream Come True" at emilytuttle.theworldrace.org. It gives meaning to the team's name, Kaleo which is Greek for "called". They received confirmation right away that God truly has called them this year to lead many to Him. It is so great that He sent them this message through a humble woman who believes what the power of God can do in her village. Even though there are some dangers in the area due to witchcraft and spiritism, there's no doubt that the challenges are not too hard for God, and His love for the people in this dark corner of the world is greater than the obstacles which stand in the way.  It's hard not to be excited to see what's next!

She has skyped twice in the last week which has been a huge blessing! Thank you Lord for skype. Free calls and the ability to see her beautiful face....what's not to like about that! We know we've been spoiled so far and  there will be many days ahead when we are cut off from her, so we're enjoying it while we can. It's better not to let your expectations get too high for regular communication; that way you are pleasantly surprised when those occasional calls come. Each day we check our email for possible updates and read blogs from other racers. It's so encouraging and interesting to hear stories from all the other teams around the world, and it makes it easier to wait on Emily's blogs!  I have to admit, I'm hooked on the World Race!

She's off and Running!

Emily is safely in the Dominican Republic and her World Race has begun!  I was SO relieved when I got her text saying she had landed in Santo Domingo. I had already braced myself for not hearing her voice for a long time....and then my phone was ringing and when I saw the 001....number, I was shocked! When I heard her voice, I was so excited...what an unexpected surprise! She wanted to make sure we knew she was there and safe. I really appreciated her thoughtfulness and mainly just loved hearing from her right away. Since then, her team has been to training and now they are off to their first ministry site in San Juan, DR. We will likely not hear from her for several weeks since I doubt she has internet service out there, but who knows... It will be hard to be patient. I'm so curious all the time....what is she doing, where is she, how is she....when will we hear from her??

I can't believe how exhausted I was this last week from emotions. I cried a lot the day she left and the next day. I felt like I had run into a wall. I couldn't get enough sleep, but also had trouble sleeping. I kept waking up with thoughts of Emily, wondering if she's okay...I've been so fragile, just about anything chokes me up....I've had to avoid her room, and when I pulled some of her clothes out of the dryer that were left behind, I teared up again. Finally taking down the Christmas decorations today has been an effort, but it helped knowing that the next time I get them out will be right before Emily comes home!! Even though I miss her so much, I'm totally pumped for her and this awesome opportunity. I can't wait to see what God is going to teach her and do through her this year.

She is so ready for this challenge and I'm sure she's relieved to finally be on her way. I know it's best for her to focus on where she is, getting to know her new team and the culture and people she has gone to minister to and serve. She is no doubt listening intently to the DR Spanish since it's a harder dialect....different from the Guatemalan dialect she's been used to speaking these last few months. I'm amazed how fluent she really is, and I know she will pick it up quickly, especially since the Squad leaders asked her to help be a translator for her team along with one other girl, Rosa, who speaks Spanish. So, I know Emily has high expectations as she begins her journey. I hope she jumps in and feels a part of the team right away.

It helps me to feel close to her and to be involved with her mission if I'm praying for her. I've been praying that she gets off to a great start by staying healthy, building strong friendships, using her Spanish language skills, and beginning great ministry. I'm so proud of her. She has a strong commitment to the Lord and wants to serve Him with all her heart. I gain strength and peace from knowing she is following His lead and is trusting Him. She and her team are giving up their lives of plenty, ease, and freedom to adapt to new cultures way out of their comfort zones in order to help meet the needs of poor and hurting people. I am envious of all they will experience and how much they will grow!  Of course, it will not all be easy. In fact, a lot of days may be very tough, but I know in the end, it will all be worth the struggles! As I've mentioned before, it helps to read other Racers' blogs to hear the great stories of God's faithfulness and how He is using these young adults all over the world to reach out to many in need and be Jesus to a lost world. It's what World Race is all about...

Launch Day

The day I've been dreading has finally arrived. I realize that what we are launching Emily off to is an amazing opportunity....it's a good thing...it's a life-changing year-long adventure. She doesn't have a terminal disease or an addiction. She's not running away defiantly on a prodigal journey. So, I say "dreading" with the understanding that there are levels of dread and different types of dread. Knowing that in a matter of hours I will not be able to see her for a year except on skype is weighing down on me like a heavy smothering blanket that I can't kick off. Counting down the minutes rather than the days and hours is exhausting. These kind of days are hard for parents and they catch you off guard. You try to protect your heart and avoid pain, but sometimes you get ambushed like today, and there's nowhere to go. I wish I could go with her! That would solve the problem! No goodbye, no absence, no pain!!

I remember reading about "separation anxiety" when I studied psychology in college. It was apparent last night that we were experiencing it when silly arguments broke out and frustrations flared. Basically, the principle is that right before long separations, there is tension and conflict erupts which causes you to finally want to leave. It's the process of getting to the point of being willing and able to go through with an inevitable goodbye. Just knowing that this is normal didn't make it easier, but it explained what was happening. Also, we were operating on very little sleep because we were busy up to the last minute with laundry and packing. Sleep deprivation can make everything more dramatic. I recommend being ready a couple of days out so you can enjoy people time and maybe get a decent night's sleep before departing. But, that's in a perfect world...

And of course there are always small complications at the last minute to plan for...like this morning when I realized that we needed something that was at the bottom of her backpack which was completely packed and ready to load, but we had to unpack it and repack it. The last few moments were filled with tension but over things not relationships, thank goodness.

It finally came time to say the words. I couldn't put it off another minute. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The goodbye was so hard....lots of tears and long hugs...holding her dear face in my hands, not wanting to let her out of my sight, speaking endearments to her, sending her off with promises of prayers and love. I sobbed and had to peel myself off of her and let her go.....and I watched her walking away....that orange hoodie and brown hair, her hand waving....for as long as I could see her until she disappeared out of sight. It felt like my heart would burst and loneliness for her immediately set in. My husband Phil and I drove away sadly, knowing that she was beginning something awesome, but in order for that to happen, we had to sacrifice our time with her. She is afterall an adult, and isn't a parent's ultimate job to teach our kids to leave the nest....to fly on their own....to launch them into life?! So farewell dear daughter....you have begun your journey with our blessing, believing strongly in what you are doing, and so thankful for every minute we have had with you these last few months. You're an amazing person. I am so proud to be your mom.

Packing is possible...

I never thought I would spend as many hours in a store like R.E.I. as I have these last few months, especially with a family who has only camped a total of two nights in the last 25 years! But I could probably go in that store blindfolded and find just about anything! I grew up camping and loved it, but it's not something we have done with our kids over the years, so the thought of Emily hauling all her belongings around on her back and pitching a tent this next year is actually humorous. I never dreamed she would buy a backpack and tent, much less use it and sleep in it......no way....not my Emily. She loves hotels and soft beds and hot showers and clean hair! What in the world is she thinking?! 

It's hard to believe that all of Emily's belongings fit into an external backpack weighing only 48 pounds but somehow it happened! We had a lot of fun seeing it last night when Emily and her friend Kaylan (who is amazingly gifted with organizational and spacial reasoning skills and who is also just an all around good dependable loyal loving friend) took on the task of stuffing all the clothes, medical supplies, and toiletries needed for a whole year into this backpack. If I hadn't been there to see it, I wouldn't believe it! After seeing all these items in neat organized piles on the floor, there was no way in my mind that they would all fit and even if they did, the pack wouldn't meet the 50 lb. weight requirement!  And they didn't just put them in the pack....they made a video of it which was played in turbo speed to the music of  the William Tell Overture! Funniest thing ever to watch....see it on her blog! It was a great way to make an extremely dreaded activity tolerable....and all the laughter it produced relieved a lot of stress. I recommend it highly! It will give everyone hope because if Emily can fit everything she's taking in and meet the weight requirements, then you all can!! I know I wouldn't have come close to doing that successfully...especially the first time! Well done! I think when she comes home in 11 months, she may never want to see another backpack or tent again!

Surrendering

Well, we're down to two more days in our countdown...I'm beginning to feel panic...seriously. I feel like I can't breathe....like I may explode....like I want to go and hide and come back out when it's over....like there's no way I will be able to let go of her on Thursday. I feel physically sick and I keep pushing the impending river of tears back every five minutes when they threaten to cascade down my face....I can't let it start for fear that it will never stop.

All along the busyness has kept me from thinking and feeling and fearing. Helping her meet her goals and get ready to go has kept me charged and refreshed and alive. I've enjoyed it. I refused to count down the days. When my mind started to go there, I decided to "think about that tomorrow". This process has worked well until the last two weeks. There's no way to avoid the countdown. It's here. It's the week I've been dreading. It's upon me. It's almost the day. So now I tell you the part about why I'm so thrilled for her, that I know this year will change her life forever.....and how she's already grown so much just through these last months of preparations and how wonderful it is to see how many people have embraced her mission, who are supporting her financially and through prayers. And I believe every word of it!! I really do. So why is it so hard to let her go?!

I believe that she is doing what God has led her to do, and He will be with her when I can't be. My mind tells me what to think, but my heart is resisting the long absence. I can't stand the thought of not seeing her beautiful face other than on skype occasionally (but thank you God for skype!!), because then I can't hold her in my arms and smell her hair and kiss her cheeks and feel her embrace!!! We love to cuddle and there are literally only a few more hours left to cuddle. She loves her family. She's affectionate and I feed off it. I taught my kids to show affection, and now I'm not sure I can survive without it!

I lie in bed and fears creep in. I'm a worrier anyway, so this is becoming a disturbing pattern. I forgot that I prayed a long time ago for God to give me a child as I struggled with infertility. I said I would raise her or him to love God and serve Him. I forgot that God answered my prayers and loaned Emily to me.... that she didn't really belong to me. I thought I was loaning her to Him for this year, and by the way God, keep her safe and bring her back to me! Maybe that's not His plan. Doesn't He love her more than I do? Maybe He wants her with Him. Oh yeah, she is with Him. It's the feeling of being completely out of control! Isn't that the idea? I'm not in control, but I want to be...like I can do a better job taking care of her than God can!? This trust thing is a whole lot harder to practice than to believe. We Christians spout off platitudes and think we know all about God and how to trust Him with our lives and our kids.......until it's time to actually do it. We know absolutely NOTHING.

I'm beyond thankful now that I got to go with Emily to Guatemala in November to visit the orphanage where she worked last summer. I saw her in her element...serving, loving the children, speaking fluently in their language, and loving what she was doing. I knew then that I couldn't be selfish and stand in her way. But it's so hard as a parent to send her off knowing there will be very little communication at times even with all the advances in technology....she won't have access to the internet in some places, and I'm used to texting her and connecting with her daily, even momently. It's not if, it's when.....she will face danger and illness and homesickness, and I won't be there to take care of her and protect her. She will have exhilarating moments of joy and amazing ministry and community with people, and I will only be able to read about it in her blog along with everyone else. So, that's why I'm so glad I was there for a little while.....to see, and hear, and walk beside her, and experience that part of her....just for a few days....thank you God, because when I'm missing her the most this next year, I will relive those days in my mind and feel like I'm with her again and like I understand what it's like to be Emily on the World Race.

Preparations

 Let me take you back a couple of months and tell you about some of our preparations.

The last seven months since Emily's graduation from Wheaton College in May have been a flurry of activity as she has worked endlessly on fundraising and training for this big adventure called the World Race. It seemed so daunting and unattainable to raise $14,300.00 in such a short time. I admit my faith was not up to the task. But I'm a very practical person and I like to be busy meeting a need rather than feeling and worrying (which I do plenty of), so we got to work. My parents had just sold their home in the mountains and were moving to an assisted living facility, so we thought it was a good time to have a huge garage sale to clean out before the move and use the proceeds for the World Race. It was a lot of work but so successful that we ended up having another sale two weeks later. I am so thankful for friends who donated items and who came to help and buy! And I've been fascinated to read about some of the creative fundraising ideas that other racers have blogged about! Their stories are engaging and motivating, so if you're needing some ideas, visit the Worldrace website with a cup of coffee and join in on the adventures.

In addition to garage sales, Emily sent out letters to many friends and family sharing about her mission and what she hoped to accomplish through the World Race. She spoke in our church, both in the English-speaking services as well as the Spanish service. It was great to hear her communicate so well in her second language, and this was further confirmation to me that she was serious about her future goals. It's been amazing to see all the responses and support she has received over these last few months!! It has renewed my faith in people's desire to be a part of something that God is doing and it's contagious....I believe in it more than I did at first. I had doubts that God was in it when she first told us, and we would know this when we couldn't meet the fundraising deadlines. I knew God had led others to go and I had supported one of my previous students who is on the Race now, but I was resistent to Emily leaving, especially so soon. I felt like others would see this as just another international trip for Emily (since she had been on several) and question the necessity in these tough times, or assume that she didn't want to settle down after college with a real job, so she was stalling or putting off her future....you know the usual remarks or thoughts that come to mind....and we parents are insecure enough to feel like we have to rationalize and fill in the missing facts for everyone to really get it. But that's NOT what happened at all!! Confirmation after confirmation from God came through as she met her goals with hard work and generous partners! It is very apparent that she really is following a call to serve and gain experience which will give direction to her graduate school program rather than continuing even more education with no clear vision.....all this is fueled by a passion that she doesn't even totally grasp yet but she's compelled to go....and I just now get it.

Oh but I knew it all along in hindsight, right?! Haha...wish that was true. I should not be surprised because I had all this prior knowledge of her desire to pursue work in international fields. I watched her grow up fascinated by other cultures and languages and saw how winsome she was with people who were different than she was. I saw her study hard in high school and college and go to places where she would be emersed to learn her second language. She was driven and intentional all along...so of course she became obsessed with the opportunity that the World Race would afford her! This all fits together, but I wasn't ready to let her expand her horizons; at least not to this extent.

I think so much of this process has been not just for her but for me. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks as much as it matters what I think of her and about what she is doing. I've gotten to know my own daughter so much better, and it is so important for me to see what a remarkable and driven and principled and compassionate and thinking and deliberate person she has grown up to be. I'm learning so much from her and I'll share some of those things in another blog. So how can I stand in the way? Don't we raise our kids to launch them into the world anyway?? My definition of the world is changing though....some out of necessity, some out of conviction. But this change of mind is helping me let her go.....not easily or carefreely (is that a word?)....but actually. Wow, I talk big, don't I?! Wait until the next few blogs when I can't see what I'm typing through my tears...

The Imaginable Happens

Hi. It's the beginning of 2011. This is the year of the World Race. My name is Ellen. I'm Emily's mom. My identity is unimportant other than being the privileged one who got to partner with God almost 23 years ago in the birth of our daughter and the fact that I'm blogging because I want to share my adventure of her adventure. Her adventure will be most exciting, so you will want to read her blog accounts, too, at emilytuttle.theworldrace.org. My adventure will be about my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and challenges as a parent of a World Racer. What's that? It's an 11-month mission challenge where she and her team of seven (who are a part of a larger squad of 45-50 people, ages 21-32) will travel to 11 countries in 11 months, partnering with already established missions organizations to serve and assist in many different ways including helping in orphanages, building infrastructure, relief work, working with girls who have been victims of human trafficking, helping in churches, and more. It's a wonderful way to see and experience opportunities to serve and meet the needs of others around the world and be exposed to other cultures and languages and peoples. Read more about this at www.theworldrace.org.

Emily has always been interested in other cultures and ethnicities. She grew up in a neighborhood where most of her friends' parents were from other nations and spoke other languages. She learned to love their customs and foods and appreciate the diversity of cultures. She began to travel with her Dad as he would visit other countries to raise up leaders to teach  the Bible. It was during these trips that she first became passionate about travel for the purpose of understanding other cultures in order to gain awareness and get involved in meeting global needs. She decided she wanted to be bilingual early in school and worked hard to learn Spanish through high school and college. Along with Spanish, she studied Anthropology. So when she began to share with us her desire to go on the World Race after graduation for a year before grad school, we were not at all surprised, and we began to research this ministry and pray about her involvement. We knew she was serious, and everything she had done prior to graduation from college pointed her to the World Race as the next serious step in her preparation for a future of service in international fields. She spent time studying and serving in Spain, Honduras, the Middle East, and Guatemala during her college years, and as mentioned, her long term intentions are to work in international development.

So I wanted to give the history of why Emily is leaving in 4 days for a year. And now I am going to attempt to blog during these next 11 months in order to help me experience more effectively the highs and lows, hopes and fears, lessons of faith and humility and trust that will define my daily life in 2011 as a parent of a world racer. This is going to be one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced....and today, I'm not ready..... not excited. I'm trying to hide it, but she knows me and is pretty perceptive. I don't want to be a downer. She is also dealing with her own feelings. There's tension mounting with each day closing in on LAUNCH DAY. We want to get the goodbyes over with, but we don't want to get the goodbyes over with! It's bitterweet....it's hard. I'll tell you more later......I invite you to come along on the journey! If you are a parent of a racer or a future racer, you have your own story to tell. I'd love to hear from you and learn from you and walk with you this next year...