The day I've been dreading has finally arrived. I realize that what we are launching Emily off to is an amazing opportunity....it's a good thing...it's a life-changing year-long adventure. She doesn't have a terminal disease or an addiction. She's not running away defiantly on a prodigal journey. So, I say "dreading" with the understanding that there are levels of dread and different types of dread. Knowing that in a matter of hours I will not be able to see her for a year except on skype is weighing down on me like a heavy smothering blanket that I can't kick off. Counting down the minutes rather than the days and hours is exhausting. These kind of days are hard for parents and they catch you off guard. You try to protect your heart and avoid pain, but sometimes you get ambushed like today, and there's nowhere to go. I wish I could go with her! That would solve the problem! No goodbye, no absence, no pain!!
I remember reading about "separation anxiety" when I studied psychology in college. It was apparent last night that we were experiencing it when silly arguments broke out and frustrations flared. Basically, the principle is that right before long separations, there is tension and conflict erupts which causes you to finally want to leave. It's the process of getting to the point of being willing and able to go through with an inevitable goodbye. Just knowing that this is normal didn't make it easier, but it explained what was happening. Also, we were operating on very little sleep because we were busy up to the last minute with laundry and packing. Sleep deprivation can make everything more dramatic. I recommend being ready a couple of days out so you can enjoy people time and maybe get a decent night's sleep before departing. But, that's in a perfect world...
And of course there are always small complications at the last minute to plan for...like this morning when I realized that we needed something that was at the bottom of her backpack which was completely packed and ready to load, but we had to unpack it and repack it. The last few moments were filled with tension but over things not relationships, thank goodness.
It finally came time to say the words. I couldn't put it off another minute. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The goodbye was so hard....lots of tears and long hugs...holding her dear face in my hands, not wanting to let her out of my sight, speaking endearments to her, sending her off with promises of prayers and love. I sobbed and had to peel myself off of her and let her go.....and I watched her walking away....that orange hoodie and brown hair, her hand waving....for as long as I could see her until she disappeared out of sight. It felt like my heart would burst and loneliness for her immediately set in. My husband Phil and I drove away sadly, knowing that she was beginning something awesome, but in order for that to happen, we had to sacrifice our time with her. She is afterall an adult, and isn't a parent's ultimate job to teach our kids to leave the nest....to fly on their own....to launch them into life?! So farewell dear daughter....you have begun your journey with our blessing, believing strongly in what you are doing, and so thankful for every minute we have had with you these last few months. You're an amazing person. I am so proud to be your mom.
No comments:
Post a Comment