Surrendering

Well, we're down to two more days in our countdown...I'm beginning to feel panic...seriously. I feel like I can't breathe....like I may explode....like I want to go and hide and come back out when it's over....like there's no way I will be able to let go of her on Thursday. I feel physically sick and I keep pushing the impending river of tears back every five minutes when they threaten to cascade down my face....I can't let it start for fear that it will never stop.

All along the busyness has kept me from thinking and feeling and fearing. Helping her meet her goals and get ready to go has kept me charged and refreshed and alive. I've enjoyed it. I refused to count down the days. When my mind started to go there, I decided to "think about that tomorrow". This process has worked well until the last two weeks. There's no way to avoid the countdown. It's here. It's the week I've been dreading. It's upon me. It's almost the day. So now I tell you the part about why I'm so thrilled for her, that I know this year will change her life forever.....and how she's already grown so much just through these last months of preparations and how wonderful it is to see how many people have embraced her mission, who are supporting her financially and through prayers. And I believe every word of it!! I really do. So why is it so hard to let her go?!

I believe that she is doing what God has led her to do, and He will be with her when I can't be. My mind tells me what to think, but my heart is resisting the long absence. I can't stand the thought of not seeing her beautiful face other than on skype occasionally (but thank you God for skype!!), because then I can't hold her in my arms and smell her hair and kiss her cheeks and feel her embrace!!! We love to cuddle and there are literally only a few more hours left to cuddle. She loves her family. She's affectionate and I feed off it. I taught my kids to show affection, and now I'm not sure I can survive without it!

I lie in bed and fears creep in. I'm a worrier anyway, so this is becoming a disturbing pattern. I forgot that I prayed a long time ago for God to give me a child as I struggled with infertility. I said I would raise her or him to love God and serve Him. I forgot that God answered my prayers and loaned Emily to me.... that she didn't really belong to me. I thought I was loaning her to Him for this year, and by the way God, keep her safe and bring her back to me! Maybe that's not His plan. Doesn't He love her more than I do? Maybe He wants her with Him. Oh yeah, she is with Him. It's the feeling of being completely out of control! Isn't that the idea? I'm not in control, but I want to be...like I can do a better job taking care of her than God can!? This trust thing is a whole lot harder to practice than to believe. We Christians spout off platitudes and think we know all about God and how to trust Him with our lives and our kids.......until it's time to actually do it. We know absolutely NOTHING.

I'm beyond thankful now that I got to go with Emily to Guatemala in November to visit the orphanage where she worked last summer. I saw her in her element...serving, loving the children, speaking fluently in their language, and loving what she was doing. I knew then that I couldn't be selfish and stand in her way. But it's so hard as a parent to send her off knowing there will be very little communication at times even with all the advances in technology....she won't have access to the internet in some places, and I'm used to texting her and connecting with her daily, even momently. It's not if, it's when.....she will face danger and illness and homesickness, and I won't be there to take care of her and protect her. She will have exhilarating moments of joy and amazing ministry and community with people, and I will only be able to read about it in her blog along with everyone else. So, that's why I'm so glad I was there for a little while.....to see, and hear, and walk beside her, and experience that part of her....just for a few days....thank you God, because when I'm missing her the most this next year, I will relive those days in my mind and feel like I'm with her again and like I understand what it's like to be Emily on the World Race.