It’s hard to believe that it’s the last day of January and the end of month one of the World Race! It went by so quickly for me compared to what I imagined initially. I don’t know if Team Kaleo feels the same way. They are finishing up these last two days in the DR and heading out on Thursday, Feb.3rd for Equador, Country #2!
I’m excited for them. They will have a long layover in Miami on their way to South America. Of course, I wish I could just fly in for the day and surprise Emily, but parents and family and friends are encouraged not to visit their racers during the year, because it tends to interrupt the team dynamics and emotional stability of the groups. I guess that’s a good way to describe it. I understand what they mean, but selfishly I would like to show up bearing gifts and homemade cookies and hugs to personally encourage them! Let’s face it, skype , though wonderful, just doesn’t feel the same as a real hug! I do know it would be hard for the parents of one racer to show up and not the parents of another, when they all have bouts of homesickness, illnesses where they want “mom”, frustrations that would be eased by some face time with a family member or a close friend instead of relying on one another and learning to trust your team members. The growth of the team and their dependence on God and one another is essential for this mission to work effectively; unity is hugely important and it is based on good communication which takes time and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another. They need to get to know each other. I realize from experience that building a team is hard and the process can be fragile and easily sabotaged if everyone had days off with visitors. This could interrupt the culture of dependence, trust, and respect that God is trying to develop which hopefully will foster good things like forgiveness, patience, love, and maturity in Christ. So, even though I don’t like it, I respect the reasons for it and know it is based on what has worked best on previous races.
With all that said, I REALLY wish I could meet Team Kaleo and just hang out! I look forward to maybe doing that sometime. They are Emily’s family for this year, so I already love them! I call having the first reunion in Atlanta!! Even if the teams divide up and change which I heard that they do a few times, I’m sure they will build relationships that last into the future. By the stories that I’m reading in the blogs, how can they not forge lasting bonds!
I’m not naïve enough to think that all the teams are operating smoothly. I know that there are bound to be teams struggling to grow and unify for all different reasons. It’s a process and takes prayer. I’m sure it’s very difficult to mesh so many personalities together under stressful and frustrating situations. Leadership styles differ. Racers are ministering in rough conditions; many are sick and exhausted at times. So, it’s inevitable that problems exist and of course that pleases the Enemy who wants to stop their progress and put a wedge between team members. It’s the same universally….in homes, in churches, in businesses, in organizations….it’s Satan’s goal to stop the kingdom work!
So, the last couple of weeks, I have been prompted to pray more about this. With the first month being the time that all the teams begin their initial work, early patterns and dynamics are formed that will define them and create an atmosphere either conducive to effective ministry or dysfunctional activity. I’m far from knowing God’s ways, but I do know that He desires total reliance on Him and obedience to His will. He has chosen his believers to be the messengers of the gospel to the lost and poor and suffering. I need to remember that prayer is the key to unleashing the power, and that’s what I can do for the teams worldwide. It’s good to know that I can have a part and that all the parents, family members, and friends of the racers are essentially part of their teams. Without this support, they would be in trouble. There’s a lot of work to be done and so little time!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Twenty-three
Today is a most special day. I want to write a tribute to someone very dear to me. Twenty-three years ago today I met Emily Tuttle. It was a blizzardy day outside, and we made it to the hospital in the middle of the night before the snow began to pile up. The labor pains told me that this was going to be a long but joyful day. I was finally going to give birth to our long-awaited, long-prayed for, long-desired little one. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be a mom. I had resolved to myself that probably I was not going to be able to have a biological child after years of unsuccessful attempts, surgeries, and disappointments. We were busy preparing to adopt and well along in the process when after one more surgery to correct a problem, I became pregnant. We rejoiced and waited for the arrival. We didn’t know it was Emily, because we wanted to be surprised. I love surprises and being pregnant was surprise enough.
It turns out that Emily loves surprises, too! Emily loves to surprise me! She has pulled off several amazing and wonderful surprises during the last twenty-three years, but they all pale compared to the first one….the day she arrived and was placed in my arms. That was pure bliss, overwhelming joy, an incomparable thrill, ecstasy….to literally partner with God in the creation of a new life. It was worth all the pain….in fact, worth more pain. I can’t imagine missing out on that experience and her brother’s birth three years later. I am so privileged to be counted worthy to be Emily’s and Philip’s mom.
I remember unwrapping her in my arms for the first time to look at her miniature body, to touch her little fingers and toes and kiss each one. It was our first time to gaze into each other’s faces and be introduced. It was a sacred moment between me and Emily and God. I will forever be grateful. I have never gotten over that day. I still relive it and I still cherish the memory of it.
I knew God had plans for Emily’s life, because those years when she was only a dream in my heart, I prayed for her. I asked God to send us children to raise for His service and glory, whether they be biological or adopted. So when she came and then later her brother, my prayers stayed the same. The answered prayer of twenty-three years ago is the reason I could say goodbye to Emily on January 6, 2011, as she left on the World Race, with a peace in my heart knowing that the next year was part of that journey that I prayed for… where she will meet God in many new places and learn a new kind of dependence on Him that will sustain her from here on long after I’m gone. This year she will reach the highest highs and the lowest lows so far, and she will face challenges that she never imagined, but I know she is ready and prepared for the journey, and I know she is not alone.
Happy Birthday dear daughter. You are precious and cherished. You were always wanted and loved. We love you more than you can possibly understand at this point in your young life, but someday you will know. We will miss seeing you every day of this twenty-third year of your life and will wait longingly for our reunion, but what a way to spend this year! WOW! You are in my every thought and every prayer.
Since the first day we met, I have been changed forever….for good. I love you!
~Mom
It turns out that Emily loves surprises, too! Emily loves to surprise me! She has pulled off several amazing and wonderful surprises during the last twenty-three years, but they all pale compared to the first one….the day she arrived and was placed in my arms. That was pure bliss, overwhelming joy, an incomparable thrill, ecstasy….to literally partner with God in the creation of a new life. It was worth all the pain….in fact, worth more pain. I can’t imagine missing out on that experience and her brother’s birth three years later. I am so privileged to be counted worthy to be Emily’s and Philip’s mom.
I remember unwrapping her in my arms for the first time to look at her miniature body, to touch her little fingers and toes and kiss each one. It was our first time to gaze into each other’s faces and be introduced. It was a sacred moment between me and Emily and God. I will forever be grateful. I have never gotten over that day. I still relive it and I still cherish the memory of it.
I knew God had plans for Emily’s life, because those years when she was only a dream in my heart, I prayed for her. I asked God to send us children to raise for His service and glory, whether they be biological or adopted. So when she came and then later her brother, my prayers stayed the same. The answered prayer of twenty-three years ago is the reason I could say goodbye to Emily on January 6, 2011, as she left on the World Race, with a peace in my heart knowing that the next year was part of that journey that I prayed for… where she will meet God in many new places and learn a new kind of dependence on Him that will sustain her from here on long after I’m gone. This year she will reach the highest highs and the lowest lows so far, and she will face challenges that she never imagined, but I know she is ready and prepared for the journey, and I know she is not alone.
Happy Birthday dear daughter. You are precious and cherished. You were always wanted and loved. We love you more than you can possibly understand at this point in your young life, but someday you will know. We will miss seeing you every day of this twenty-third year of your life and will wait longingly for our reunion, but what a way to spend this year! WOW! You are in my every thought and every prayer.
Since the first day we met, I have been changed forever….for good. I love you!
~Mom
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's All Good....or is it?
I'm reminded today of God's amazing protection and His watchful eye when we don't even know what is happening. Because Emily is living in potentially dangerous situations and constantly dealing with illness, satanic forces like witchcraft, spiritism, human trafficking, and possible government unrest, I assume that God hears my constant prayers for her protection and brings out His full regiment of angels for full-time duty on the World Race. I'm counting on that. I know He wants us to pray without ceasing and that He hears and answers prayers. And I assume that He wants what I want, right?! My prayer life has developed strongly in the last month!! Even though I've always prayed consistently for my family, I depend even more on this discipline now and realize it's essential for my daily existence. It's my oxygen. Yeah....duh.
Okay, I said I assumed God is on guard for Emily and her team. Then last night, we get a call (thankfully from our son, Philip) who was at the scene of a bad accident in which he and five other college friends totaled their vehicle, and other than being very shaken and dealing with possible mild concussions, bruises and small cuts, they were all fine! They came so close to being seriously injured or killed when their van hit black ice and they swerved between lanes of traffic and crashed into another car. I knew they were driving in bad weather and I didn't have a good feeling about it, so I texted him to be extra careful and prayed a lot yesterday for their safety. I kept wondering when we would hear that he was back safely which I assumed would be the case. When the call came, I was overwhelmingly aware of how close we came to losing him and how grateful I was to God for protecting them.
I realized that I am helpless to control my children's circumstances and completely and utterly dependent on God's will and direction for their lives. I have nothing to do with it.....I don't even know how to pray sometimes because I don't know where they are and what they are doing. I don't even know what dangers lurk every minute around them, and when I do know, I'm terrified and humbled. And why is it that I live under the illusion that just because Philip lives in this country and is "safely" in college, that somehow I am in more control of what happens to him? Neither of my kids are under my watchful eye or in my constant care! All I have in my arsenal against the dangers and snares of this world are my prayers.....and I'm learning that that's enough!
I'm realizing that I'm completely vulnerable, that I've never been in charge (thank goodness), that God always has had control and will do as He pleases with what belongs to Him. My kids are not really mine, so who am I to tell God what to do with them. So, I plead and beg for His mercy and protection and thank Him daily for allowing me to be their caregiver for another day, week, month, year. Ultimately, they are on loan and I don't even know what God has planned for their lives other than to glorify Himself through them. What does that involve? I'm learning about trust. Do I really trust God with my kids? There's that word "my" again. I've known intellectually all along that God does not need my advice or stamp of approval or "to do list" in order to accomplish His work. But do I continue to give these to Him daily.....you betcha! I have the theological answers for a lot of things until "my" kids are involved. Then I go weak in the knees and wake up at all hours of the night. God does not owe me a thing and can and will do what He wills..... my prayers may not be answered the way I script them to be. I usually give God limited possible choices for what I ask of Him...."Yes" is the preferable one, or "all of the above"...or occasionally a "maybe" as long as it doesn't cost me.
There's no guarantee that my prayers are best even for my own flesh and blood, so I'm humbled and even terrified by this. I know the Bible teaches some things that "seem" contradictory to our finite minds but actually are not. I like those verses about... 'all things work together for "good" to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose'.....check, I love Him and I'm called. On the other hand, I avoid the book of Job and verses like, 'though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.' So, I'm learning more each day about letting go.....mostly about taking back and holding on....but I intend to learn......tomorrow! It's scary. It shows me what I really truly believe or don't believe about God and His nature. If I really believe that He is good and He will do good, then I have to believe that about Him when something bad happens. That's tough stuff! I'll let you know how I'm doing as we go....it's a process.
Okay, I said I assumed God is on guard for Emily and her team. Then last night, we get a call (thankfully from our son, Philip) who was at the scene of a bad accident in which he and five other college friends totaled their vehicle, and other than being very shaken and dealing with possible mild concussions, bruises and small cuts, they were all fine! They came so close to being seriously injured or killed when their van hit black ice and they swerved between lanes of traffic and crashed into another car. I knew they were driving in bad weather and I didn't have a good feeling about it, so I texted him to be extra careful and prayed a lot yesterday for their safety. I kept wondering when we would hear that he was back safely which I assumed would be the case. When the call came, I was overwhelmingly aware of how close we came to losing him and how grateful I was to God for protecting them.
I realized that I am helpless to control my children's circumstances and completely and utterly dependent on God's will and direction for their lives. I have nothing to do with it.....I don't even know how to pray sometimes because I don't know where they are and what they are doing. I don't even know what dangers lurk every minute around them, and when I do know, I'm terrified and humbled. And why is it that I live under the illusion that just because Philip lives in this country and is "safely" in college, that somehow I am in more control of what happens to him? Neither of my kids are under my watchful eye or in my constant care! All I have in my arsenal against the dangers and snares of this world are my prayers.....and I'm learning that that's enough!
I'm realizing that I'm completely vulnerable, that I've never been in charge (thank goodness), that God always has had control and will do as He pleases with what belongs to Him. My kids are not really mine, so who am I to tell God what to do with them. So, I plead and beg for His mercy and protection and thank Him daily for allowing me to be their caregiver for another day, week, month, year. Ultimately, they are on loan and I don't even know what God has planned for their lives other than to glorify Himself through them. What does that involve? I'm learning about trust. Do I really trust God with my kids? There's that word "my" again. I've known intellectually all along that God does not need my advice or stamp of approval or "to do list" in order to accomplish His work. But do I continue to give these to Him daily.....you betcha! I have the theological answers for a lot of things until "my" kids are involved. Then I go weak in the knees and wake up at all hours of the night. God does not owe me a thing and can and will do what He wills..... my prayers may not be answered the way I script them to be. I usually give God limited possible choices for what I ask of Him...."Yes" is the preferable one, or "all of the above"...or occasionally a "maybe" as long as it doesn't cost me.
There's no guarantee that my prayers are best even for my own flesh and blood, so I'm humbled and even terrified by this. I know the Bible teaches some things that "seem" contradictory to our finite minds but actually are not. I like those verses about... 'all things work together for "good" to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose'.....check, I love Him and I'm called. On the other hand, I avoid the book of Job and verses like, 'though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.' So, I'm learning more each day about letting go.....mostly about taking back and holding on....but I intend to learn......tomorrow! It's scary. It shows me what I really truly believe or don't believe about God and His nature. If I really believe that He is good and He will do good, then I have to believe that about Him when something bad happens. That's tough stuff! I'll let you know how I'm doing as we go....it's a process.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Oh the Places She'll Go
I love to look at maps and find places in the world. I used to read atlases on trips to make the time go by and to see where we were going. It used to be that books and travel maps were the only sources for map enthusiasts, but now with the internet, the options are limitless....so obviously, I love google earth and all the geography search sites plus wikipedia and more to research places! I even like trip advisor to read up on reviews of interesting places to go. I used to be a high school geography teacher for a few years, and I made my students color, label, and memorize maps of the world....much to their chagrin. I'm sure I liked it more than they did, but oh well. I actually tried to motivate them by telling them that their generation will travel more and see more places on the globe than previously....that because of the ease of travel and better access to the world through the internet and technology, they will be able to see some of the places I only read about and looked at pictures of....but I didn't realize just how true my words would become especially for one of my favorite students (I know I'm not supposed to have any) named Emily Tuttle! She pretended not to be interested in class at the age of 14, but when she started to travel some internationally with my husband who leads a global ministry, she was bitten by the bug and developed a passion for travel and desire to be involved in what God is doing around the world. Hence, this fascination has culminated in the World Race.
Currently, she is blossoming in the Dominican Republic. She is located in San Juan de la Maguana which is a small western town near the Haitian border. Yes, I've studied the maps and researched it. She and her team, Kaleo, are working as an advance team for a group of church planters. They travel to nearby villages to meet people and pray with them in an attempt to determine if there are any Christians there. They are also looking for people with strong spiritual interest and curiosity about God and the Bible. Already, in less than a week in some of the villages, they have had some amazing experiences and encounters with God. The power of prayer is the key theme of their journey so far....God's spirit, prompted by many prayers from supporters all over the world, has gone ahead of them and literally set up divine appointments! I just read Emily's newest blog about this very situation, and I got chills. What a thrill for her team to partner with God in reaching a village woman named Edith who had the courage and persistence to chase down the meaning of a dream! Read this amazing story "A Dream Come True" at emilytuttle.theworldrace.org. It gives meaning to the team's name, Kaleo which is Greek for "called". They received confirmation right away that God truly has called them this year to lead many to Him. It is so great that He sent them this message through a humble woman who believes what the power of God can do in her village. Even though there are some dangers in the area due to witchcraft and spiritism, there's no doubt that the challenges are not too hard for God, and His love for the people in this dark corner of the world is greater than the obstacles which stand in the way. It's hard not to be excited to see what's next!
She has skyped twice in the last week which has been a huge blessing! Thank you Lord for skype. Free calls and the ability to see her beautiful face....what's not to like about that! We know we've been spoiled so far and there will be many days ahead when we are cut off from her, so we're enjoying it while we can. It's better not to let your expectations get too high for regular communication; that way you are pleasantly surprised when those occasional calls come. Each day we check our email for possible updates and read blogs from other racers. It's so encouraging and interesting to hear stories from all the other teams around the world, and it makes it easier to wait on Emily's blogs! I have to admit, I'm hooked on the World Race!
Currently, she is blossoming in the Dominican Republic. She is located in San Juan de la Maguana which is a small western town near the Haitian border. Yes, I've studied the maps and researched it. She and her team, Kaleo, are working as an advance team for a group of church planters. They travel to nearby villages to meet people and pray with them in an attempt to determine if there are any Christians there. They are also looking for people with strong spiritual interest and curiosity about God and the Bible. Already, in less than a week in some of the villages, they have had some amazing experiences and encounters with God. The power of prayer is the key theme of their journey so far....God's spirit, prompted by many prayers from supporters all over the world, has gone ahead of them and literally set up divine appointments! I just read Emily's newest blog about this very situation, and I got chills. What a thrill for her team to partner with God in reaching a village woman named Edith who had the courage and persistence to chase down the meaning of a dream! Read this amazing story "A Dream Come True" at emilytuttle.theworldrace.org. It gives meaning to the team's name, Kaleo which is Greek for "called". They received confirmation right away that God truly has called them this year to lead many to Him. It is so great that He sent them this message through a humble woman who believes what the power of God can do in her village. Even though there are some dangers in the area due to witchcraft and spiritism, there's no doubt that the challenges are not too hard for God, and His love for the people in this dark corner of the world is greater than the obstacles which stand in the way. It's hard not to be excited to see what's next!
She has skyped twice in the last week which has been a huge blessing! Thank you Lord for skype. Free calls and the ability to see her beautiful face....what's not to like about that! We know we've been spoiled so far and there will be many days ahead when we are cut off from her, so we're enjoying it while we can. It's better not to let your expectations get too high for regular communication; that way you are pleasantly surprised when those occasional calls come. Each day we check our email for possible updates and read blogs from other racers. It's so encouraging and interesting to hear stories from all the other teams around the world, and it makes it easier to wait on Emily's blogs! I have to admit, I'm hooked on the World Race!
Monday, January 10, 2011
She's off and Running!
Emily is safely in the Dominican Republic and her World Race has begun! I was SO relieved when I got her text saying she had landed in Santo Domingo. I had already braced myself for not hearing her voice for a long time....and then my phone was ringing and when I saw the 001....number, I was shocked! When I heard her voice, I was so excited...what an unexpected surprise! She wanted to make sure we knew she was there and safe. I really appreciated her thoughtfulness and mainly just loved hearing from her right away. Since then, her team has been to training and now they are off to their first ministry site in San Juan, DR. We will likely not hear from her for several weeks since I doubt she has internet service out there, but who knows... It will be hard to be patient. I'm so curious all the time....what is she doing, where is she, how is she....when will we hear from her??
I can't believe how exhausted I was this last week from emotions. I cried a lot the day she left and the next day. I felt like I had run into a wall. I couldn't get enough sleep, but also had trouble sleeping. I kept waking up with thoughts of Emily, wondering if she's okay...I've been so fragile, just about anything chokes me up....I've had to avoid her room, and when I pulled some of her clothes out of the dryer that were left behind, I teared up again. Finally taking down the Christmas decorations today has been an effort, but it helped knowing that the next time I get them out will be right before Emily comes home!! Even though I miss her so much, I'm totally pumped for her and this awesome opportunity. I can't wait to see what God is going to teach her and do through her this year.
She is so ready for this challenge and I'm sure she's relieved to finally be on her way. I know it's best for her to focus on where she is, getting to know her new team and the culture and people she has gone to minister to and serve. She is no doubt listening intently to the DR Spanish since it's a harder dialect....different from the Guatemalan dialect she's been used to speaking these last few months. I'm amazed how fluent she really is, and I know she will pick it up quickly, especially since the Squad leaders asked her to help be a translator for her team along with one other girl, Rosa, who speaks Spanish. So, I know Emily has high expectations as she begins her journey. I hope she jumps in and feels a part of the team right away.
It helps me to feel close to her and to be involved with her mission if I'm praying for her. I've been praying that she gets off to a great start by staying healthy, building strong friendships, using her Spanish language skills, and beginning great ministry. I'm so proud of her. She has a strong commitment to the Lord and wants to serve Him with all her heart. I gain strength and peace from knowing she is following His lead and is trusting Him. She and her team are giving up their lives of plenty, ease, and freedom to adapt to new cultures way out of their comfort zones in order to help meet the needs of poor and hurting people. I am envious of all they will experience and how much they will grow! Of course, it will not all be easy. In fact, a lot of days may be very tough, but I know in the end, it will all be worth the struggles! As I've mentioned before, it helps to read other Racers' blogs to hear the great stories of God's faithfulness and how He is using these young adults all over the world to reach out to many in need and be Jesus to a lost world. It's what World Race is all about...
I can't believe how exhausted I was this last week from emotions. I cried a lot the day she left and the next day. I felt like I had run into a wall. I couldn't get enough sleep, but also had trouble sleeping. I kept waking up with thoughts of Emily, wondering if she's okay...I've been so fragile, just about anything chokes me up....I've had to avoid her room, and when I pulled some of her clothes out of the dryer that were left behind, I teared up again. Finally taking down the Christmas decorations today has been an effort, but it helped knowing that the next time I get them out will be right before Emily comes home!! Even though I miss her so much, I'm totally pumped for her and this awesome opportunity. I can't wait to see what God is going to teach her and do through her this year.
She is so ready for this challenge and I'm sure she's relieved to finally be on her way. I know it's best for her to focus on where she is, getting to know her new team and the culture and people she has gone to minister to and serve. She is no doubt listening intently to the DR Spanish since it's a harder dialect....different from the Guatemalan dialect she's been used to speaking these last few months. I'm amazed how fluent she really is, and I know she will pick it up quickly, especially since the Squad leaders asked her to help be a translator for her team along with one other girl, Rosa, who speaks Spanish. So, I know Emily has high expectations as she begins her journey. I hope she jumps in and feels a part of the team right away.
It helps me to feel close to her and to be involved with her mission if I'm praying for her. I've been praying that she gets off to a great start by staying healthy, building strong friendships, using her Spanish language skills, and beginning great ministry. I'm so proud of her. She has a strong commitment to the Lord and wants to serve Him with all her heart. I gain strength and peace from knowing she is following His lead and is trusting Him. She and her team are giving up their lives of plenty, ease, and freedom to adapt to new cultures way out of their comfort zones in order to help meet the needs of poor and hurting people. I am envious of all they will experience and how much they will grow! Of course, it will not all be easy. In fact, a lot of days may be very tough, but I know in the end, it will all be worth the struggles! As I've mentioned before, it helps to read other Racers' blogs to hear the great stories of God's faithfulness and how He is using these young adults all over the world to reach out to many in need and be Jesus to a lost world. It's what World Race is all about...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Launch Day
The day I've been dreading has finally arrived. I realize that what we are launching Emily off to is an amazing opportunity....it's a good thing...it's a life-changing year-long adventure. She doesn't have a terminal disease or an addiction. She's not running away defiantly on a prodigal journey. So, I say "dreading" with the understanding that there are levels of dread and different types of dread. Knowing that in a matter of hours I will not be able to see her for a year except on skype is weighing down on me like a heavy smothering blanket that I can't kick off. Counting down the minutes rather than the days and hours is exhausting. These kind of days are hard for parents and they catch you off guard. You try to protect your heart and avoid pain, but sometimes you get ambushed like today, and there's nowhere to go. I wish I could go with her! That would solve the problem! No goodbye, no absence, no pain!!
I remember reading about "separation anxiety" when I studied psychology in college. It was apparent last night that we were experiencing it when silly arguments broke out and frustrations flared. Basically, the principle is that right before long separations, there is tension and conflict erupts which causes you to finally want to leave. It's the process of getting to the point of being willing and able to go through with an inevitable goodbye. Just knowing that this is normal didn't make it easier, but it explained what was happening. Also, we were operating on very little sleep because we were busy up to the last minute with laundry and packing. Sleep deprivation can make everything more dramatic. I recommend being ready a couple of days out so you can enjoy people time and maybe get a decent night's sleep before departing. But, that's in a perfect world...
And of course there are always small complications at the last minute to plan for...like this morning when I realized that we needed something that was at the bottom of her backpack which was completely packed and ready to load, but we had to unpack it and repack it. The last few moments were filled with tension but over things not relationships, thank goodness.
It finally came time to say the words. I couldn't put it off another minute. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The goodbye was so hard....lots of tears and long hugs...holding her dear face in my hands, not wanting to let her out of my sight, speaking endearments to her, sending her off with promises of prayers and love. I sobbed and had to peel myself off of her and let her go.....and I watched her walking away....that orange hoodie and brown hair, her hand waving....for as long as I could see her until she disappeared out of sight. It felt like my heart would burst and loneliness for her immediately set in. My husband Phil and I drove away sadly, knowing that she was beginning something awesome, but in order for that to happen, we had to sacrifice our time with her. She is afterall an adult, and isn't a parent's ultimate job to teach our kids to leave the nest....to fly on their own....to launch them into life?! So farewell dear daughter....you have begun your journey with our blessing, believing strongly in what you are doing, and so thankful for every minute we have had with you these last few months. You're an amazing person. I am so proud to be your mom.
I remember reading about "separation anxiety" when I studied psychology in college. It was apparent last night that we were experiencing it when silly arguments broke out and frustrations flared. Basically, the principle is that right before long separations, there is tension and conflict erupts which causes you to finally want to leave. It's the process of getting to the point of being willing and able to go through with an inevitable goodbye. Just knowing that this is normal didn't make it easier, but it explained what was happening. Also, we were operating on very little sleep because we were busy up to the last minute with laundry and packing. Sleep deprivation can make everything more dramatic. I recommend being ready a couple of days out so you can enjoy people time and maybe get a decent night's sleep before departing. But, that's in a perfect world...
And of course there are always small complications at the last minute to plan for...like this morning when I realized that we needed something that was at the bottom of her backpack which was completely packed and ready to load, but we had to unpack it and repack it. The last few moments were filled with tension but over things not relationships, thank goodness.
It finally came time to say the words. I couldn't put it off another minute. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The goodbye was so hard....lots of tears and long hugs...holding her dear face in my hands, not wanting to let her out of my sight, speaking endearments to her, sending her off with promises of prayers and love. I sobbed and had to peel myself off of her and let her go.....and I watched her walking away....that orange hoodie and brown hair, her hand waving....for as long as I could see her until she disappeared out of sight. It felt like my heart would burst and loneliness for her immediately set in. My husband Phil and I drove away sadly, knowing that she was beginning something awesome, but in order for that to happen, we had to sacrifice our time with her. She is afterall an adult, and isn't a parent's ultimate job to teach our kids to leave the nest....to fly on their own....to launch them into life?! So farewell dear daughter....you have begun your journey with our blessing, believing strongly in what you are doing, and so thankful for every minute we have had with you these last few months. You're an amazing person. I am so proud to be your mom.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Packing is possible...
I never thought I would spend as many hours in a store like R.E.I. as I have these last few months, especially with a family who has only camped a total of two nights in the last 25 years! But I could probably go in that store blindfolded and find just about anything! I grew up camping and loved it, but it's not something we have done with our kids over the years, so the thought of Emily hauling all her belongings around on her back and pitching a tent this next year is actually humorous. I never dreamed she would buy a backpack and tent, much less use it and sleep in it......no way....not my Emily. She loves hotels and soft beds and hot showers and clean hair! What in the world is she thinking?!
It's hard to believe that all of Emily's belongings fit into an external backpack weighing only 48 pounds but somehow it happened! We had a lot of fun seeing it last night when Emily and her friend Kaylan (who is amazingly gifted with organizational and spacial reasoning skills and who is also just an all around good dependable loyal loving friend) took on the task of stuffing all the clothes, medical supplies, and toiletries needed for a whole year into this backpack. If I hadn't been there to see it, I wouldn't believe it! After seeing all these items in neat organized piles on the floor, there was no way in my mind that they would all fit and even if they did, the pack wouldn't meet the 50 lb. weight requirement! And they didn't just put them in the pack....they made a video of it which was played in turbo speed to the music of the William Tell Overture! Funniest thing ever to watch....see it on her blog! It was a great way to make an extremely dreaded activity tolerable....and all the laughter it produced relieved a lot of stress. I recommend it highly! It will give everyone hope because if Emily can fit everything she's taking in and meet the weight requirements, then you all can!! I know I wouldn't have come close to doing that successfully...especially the first time! Well done! I think when she comes home in 11 months, she may never want to see another backpack or tent again!
It's hard to believe that all of Emily's belongings fit into an external backpack weighing only 48 pounds but somehow it happened! We had a lot of fun seeing it last night when Emily and her friend Kaylan (who is amazingly gifted with organizational and spacial reasoning skills and who is also just an all around good dependable loyal loving friend) took on the task of stuffing all the clothes, medical supplies, and toiletries needed for a whole year into this backpack. If I hadn't been there to see it, I wouldn't believe it! After seeing all these items in neat organized piles on the floor, there was no way in my mind that they would all fit and even if they did, the pack wouldn't meet the 50 lb. weight requirement! And they didn't just put them in the pack....they made a video of it which was played in turbo speed to the music of the William Tell Overture! Funniest thing ever to watch....see it on her blog! It was a great way to make an extremely dreaded activity tolerable....and all the laughter it produced relieved a lot of stress. I recommend it highly! It will give everyone hope because if Emily can fit everything she's taking in and meet the weight requirements, then you all can!! I know I wouldn't have come close to doing that successfully...especially the first time! Well done! I think when she comes home in 11 months, she may never want to see another backpack or tent again!
Surrendering
Well, we're down to two more days in our countdown...I'm beginning to feel panic...seriously. I feel like I can't breathe....like I may explode....like I want to go and hide and come back out when it's over....like there's no way I will be able to let go of her on Thursday. I feel physically sick and I keep pushing the impending river of tears back every five minutes when they threaten to cascade down my face....I can't let it start for fear that it will never stop.
All along the busyness has kept me from thinking and feeling and fearing. Helping her meet her goals and get ready to go has kept me charged and refreshed and alive. I've enjoyed it. I refused to count down the days. When my mind started to go there, I decided to "think about that tomorrow". This process has worked well until the last two weeks. There's no way to avoid the countdown. It's here. It's the week I've been dreading. It's upon me. It's almost the day. So now I tell you the part about why I'm so thrilled for her, that I know this year will change her life forever.....and how she's already grown so much just through these last months of preparations and how wonderful it is to see how many people have embraced her mission, who are supporting her financially and through prayers. And I believe every word of it!! I really do. So why is it so hard to let her go?!
I believe that she is doing what God has led her to do, and He will be with her when I can't be. My mind tells me what to think, but my heart is resisting the long absence. I can't stand the thought of not seeing her beautiful face other than on skype occasionally (but thank you God for skype!!), because then I can't hold her in my arms and smell her hair and kiss her cheeks and feel her embrace!!! We love to cuddle and there are literally only a few more hours left to cuddle. She loves her family. She's affectionate and I feed off it. I taught my kids to show affection, and now I'm not sure I can survive without it!
I lie in bed and fears creep in. I'm a worrier anyway, so this is becoming a disturbing pattern. I forgot that I prayed a long time ago for God to give me a child as I struggled with infertility. I said I would raise her or him to love God and serve Him. I forgot that God answered my prayers and loaned Emily to me.... that she didn't really belong to me. I thought I was loaning her to Him for this year, and by the way God, keep her safe and bring her back to me! Maybe that's not His plan. Doesn't He love her more than I do? Maybe He wants her with Him. Oh yeah, she is with Him. It's the feeling of being completely out of control! Isn't that the idea? I'm not in control, but I want to be...like I can do a better job taking care of her than God can!? This trust thing is a whole lot harder to practice than to believe. We Christians spout off platitudes and think we know all about God and how to trust Him with our lives and our kids.......until it's time to actually do it. We know absolutely NOTHING.
I'm beyond thankful now that I got to go with Emily toGuatemala
All along the busyness has kept me from thinking and feeling and fearing. Helping her meet her goals and get ready to go has kept me charged and refreshed and alive. I've enjoyed it. I refused to count down the days. When my mind started to go there, I decided to "think about that tomorrow". This process has worked well until the last two weeks. There's no way to avoid the countdown. It's here. It's the week I've been dreading. It's upon me. It's almost the day. So now I tell you the part about why I'm so thrilled for her, that I know this year will change her life forever.....and how she's already grown so much just through these last months of preparations and how wonderful it is to see how many people have embraced her mission, who are supporting her financially and through prayers. And I believe every word of it!! I really do. So why is it so hard to let her go?!
I believe that she is doing what God has led her to do, and He will be with her when I can't be. My mind tells me what to think, but my heart is resisting the long absence. I can't stand the thought of not seeing her beautiful face other than on skype occasionally (but thank you God for skype!!), because then I can't hold her in my arms and smell her hair and kiss her cheeks and feel her embrace!!! We love to cuddle and there are literally only a few more hours left to cuddle. She loves her family. She's affectionate and I feed off it. I taught my kids to show affection, and now I'm not sure I can survive without it!
I lie in bed and fears creep in. I'm a worrier anyway, so this is becoming a disturbing pattern. I forgot that I prayed a long time ago for God to give me a child as I struggled with infertility. I said I would raise her or him to love God and serve Him. I forgot that God answered my prayers and loaned Emily to me.... that she didn't really belong to me. I thought I was loaning her to Him for this year, and by the way God, keep her safe and bring her back to me! Maybe that's not His plan. Doesn't He love her more than I do? Maybe He wants her with Him. Oh yeah, she is with Him. It's the feeling of being completely out of control! Isn't that the idea? I'm not in control, but I want to be...like I can do a better job taking care of her than God can!? This trust thing is a whole lot harder to practice than to believe. We Christians spout off platitudes and think we know all about God and how to trust Him with our lives and our kids.......until it's time to actually do it. We know absolutely NOTHING.
I'm beyond thankful now that I got to go with Emily to
Preparations
Let me take you back a couple of months and tell you about some of our preparations.
The last seven months since Emily's graduation from Wheaton College in May have been a flurry of activity as she has worked endlessly on fundraising and training for this big adventure called the World Race. It seemed so daunting and unattainable to raise $14,300.00 in such a short time. I admit my faith was not up to the task. But I'm a very practical person and I like to be busy meeting a need rather than feeling and worrying (which I do plenty of), so we got to work. My parents had just sold their home in the mountains and were moving to an assisted living facility, so we thought it was a good time to have a huge garage sale to clean out before the move and use the proceeds for the World Race. It was a lot of work but so successful that we ended up having another sale two weeks later. I am so thankful for friends who donated items and who came to help and buy! And I've been fascinated to read about some of the creative fundraising ideas that other racers have blogged about! Their stories are engaging and motivating, so if you're needing some ideas, visit the Worldrace website with a cup of coffee and join in on the adventures.
In addition to garage sales, Emily sent out letters to many friends and family sharing about her mission and what she hoped to accomplish through the World Race. She spoke in our church, both in the English-speaking services as well as the Spanish service. It was great to hear her communicate so well in her second language, and this was further confirmation to me that she was serious about her future goals. It's been amazing to see all the responses and support she has received over these last few months!! It has renewed my faith in people's desire to be a part of something that God is doing and it's contagious....I believe in it more than I did at first. I had doubts that God was in it when she first told us, and we would know this when we couldn't meet the fundraising deadlines. I knew God had led others to go and I had supported one of my previous students who is on the Race now, but I was resistent to Emily leaving, especially so soon. I felt like others would see this as just another international trip for Emily (since she had been on several) and question the necessity in these tough times, or assume that she didn't want to settle down after college with a real job, so she was stalling or putting off her future....you know the usual remarks or thoughts that come to mind....and we parents are insecure enough to feel like we have to rationalize and fill in the missing facts for everyone to really get it. But that's NOT what happened at all!! Confirmation after confirmation from God came through as she met her goals with hard work and generous partners! It is very apparent that she really is following a call to serve and gain experience which will give direction to her graduate school program rather than continuing even more education with no clear vision.....all this is fueled by a passion that she doesn't even totally grasp yet but she's compelled to go....and I just now get it.
Oh but I knew it all along in hindsight, right?! Haha...wish that was true. I should not be surprised because I had all this prior knowledge of her desire to pursue work in international fields. I watched her grow up fascinated by other cultures and languages and saw how winsome she was with people who were different than she was. I saw her study hard in high school and college and go to places where she would be emersed to learn her second language. She was driven and intentional all along...so of course she became obsessed with the opportunity that the World Race would afford her! This all fits together, but I wasn't ready to let her expand her horizons; at least not to this extent.
I think so much of this process has been not just for her but for me. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks as much as it matters what I think of her and about what she is doing. I've gotten to know my own daughter so much better, and it is so important for me to see what a remarkable and driven and principled and compassionate and thinking and deliberate person she has grown up to be. I'm learning so much from her and I'll share some of those things in another blog. So how can I stand in the way? Don't we raise our kids to launch them into the world anyway?? My definition of the world is changing though....some out of necessity, some out of conviction. But this change of mind is helping me let her go.....not easily or carefreely (is that a word?)....but actually. Wow, I talk big, don't I?! Wait until the next few blogs when I can't see what I'm typing through my tears...
The last seven months since Emily's graduation from Wheaton College in May have been a flurry of activity as she has worked endlessly on fundraising and training for this big adventure called the World Race. It seemed so daunting and unattainable to raise $14,300.00 in such a short time. I admit my faith was not up to the task. But I'm a very practical person and I like to be busy meeting a need rather than feeling and worrying (which I do plenty of), so we got to work. My parents had just sold their home in the mountains and were moving to an assisted living facility, so we thought it was a good time to have a huge garage sale to clean out before the move and use the proceeds for the World Race. It was a lot of work but so successful that we ended up having another sale two weeks later. I am so thankful for friends who donated items and who came to help and buy! And I've been fascinated to read about some of the creative fundraising ideas that other racers have blogged about! Their stories are engaging and motivating, so if you're needing some ideas, visit the Worldrace website with a cup of coffee and join in on the adventures.
In addition to garage sales, Emily sent out letters to many friends and family sharing about her mission and what she hoped to accomplish through the World Race. She spoke in our church, both in the English-speaking services as well as the Spanish service. It was great to hear her communicate so well in her second language, and this was further confirmation to me that she was serious about her future goals. It's been amazing to see all the responses and support she has received over these last few months!! It has renewed my faith in people's desire to be a part of something that God is doing and it's contagious....I believe in it more than I did at first. I had doubts that God was in it when she first told us, and we would know this when we couldn't meet the fundraising deadlines. I knew God had led others to go and I had supported one of my previous students who is on the Race now, but I was resistent to Emily leaving, especially so soon. I felt like others would see this as just another international trip for Emily (since she had been on several) and question the necessity in these tough times, or assume that she didn't want to settle down after college with a real job, so she was stalling or putting off her future....you know the usual remarks or thoughts that come to mind....and we parents are insecure enough to feel like we have to rationalize and fill in the missing facts for everyone to really get it. But that's NOT what happened at all!! Confirmation after confirmation from God came through as she met her goals with hard work and generous partners! It is very apparent that she really is following a call to serve and gain experience which will give direction to her graduate school program rather than continuing even more education with no clear vision.....all this is fueled by a passion that she doesn't even totally grasp yet but she's compelled to go....and I just now get it.
Oh but I knew it all along in hindsight, right?! Haha...wish that was true. I should not be surprised because I had all this prior knowledge of her desire to pursue work in international fields. I watched her grow up fascinated by other cultures and languages and saw how winsome she was with people who were different than she was. I saw her study hard in high school and college and go to places where she would be emersed to learn her second language. She was driven and intentional all along...so of course she became obsessed with the opportunity that the World Race would afford her! This all fits together, but I wasn't ready to let her expand her horizons; at least not to this extent.
I think so much of this process has been not just for her but for me. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks as much as it matters what I think of her and about what she is doing. I've gotten to know my own daughter so much better, and it is so important for me to see what a remarkable and driven and principled and compassionate and thinking and deliberate person she has grown up to be. I'm learning so much from her and I'll share some of those things in another blog. So how can I stand in the way? Don't we raise our kids to launch them into the world anyway?? My definition of the world is changing though....some out of necessity, some out of conviction. But this change of mind is helping me let her go.....not easily or carefreely (is that a word?)....but actually. Wow, I talk big, don't I?! Wait until the next few blogs when I can't see what I'm typing through my tears...
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Imaginable Happens
Hi. It's the beginning of 2011. This is the year of the World Race. My name is Ellen. I'm Emily's mom. My identity is unimportant other than being the privileged one who got to partner with God almost 23 years ago in the birth of our daughter and the fact that I'm blogging because I want to share my adventure of her adventure. Her adventure will be most exciting, so you will want to read her blog accounts, too, at emilytuttle.theworldrace.org. My adventure will be about my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and challenges as a parent of a World Racer. What's that? It's an 11-month mission challenge where she and her team of seven (who are a part of a larger squad of 45-50 people, ages 21-32) will travel to 11 countries in 11 months, partnering with already established missions organizations to serve and assist in many different ways including helping in orphanages, building infrastructure, relief work, working with girls who have been victims of human trafficking, helping in churches, and more. It's a wonderful way to see and experience opportunities to serve and meet the needs of others around the world and be exposed to other cultures and languages and peoples. Read more about this at www.theworldrace.org.
Emily has always been interested in other cultures and ethnicities. She grew up in a neighborhood where most of her friends' parents were from other nations and spoke other languages. She learned to love their customs and foods and appreciate the diversity of cultures. She began to travel with her Dad as he would visit other countries to raise up leaders to teach the Bible. It was during these trips that she first became passionate about travel for the purpose of understanding other cultures in order to gain awareness and get involved in meeting global needs. She decided she wanted to be bilingual early in school and worked hard to learn Spanish through high school and college. Along with Spanish, she studied Anthropology. So when she began to share with us her desire to go on the World Race after graduation for a year before grad school, we were not at all surprised, and we began to research this ministry and pray about her involvement. We knew she was serious, and everything she had done prior to graduation from college pointed her to the World Race as the next serious step in her preparation for a future of service in international fields. She spent time studying and serving in Spain, Honduras, the Middle East, and Guatemala during her college years, and as mentioned, her long term intentions are to work in international development.
So I wanted to give the history of why Emily is leaving in 4 days for a year. And now I am going to attempt to blog during these next 11 months in order to help me experience more effectively the highs and lows, hopes and fears, lessons of faith and humility and trust that will define my daily life in 2011 as a parent of a world racer. This is going to be one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced....and today, I'm not ready..... not excited. I'm trying to hide it, but she knows me and is pretty perceptive. I don't want to be a downer. She is also dealing with her own feelings. There's tension mounting with each day closing in on LAUNCH DAY. We want to get the goodbyes over with, but we don't want to get the goodbyes over with! It's bitterweet....it's hard. I'll tell you more later......I invite you to come along on the journey! If you are a parent of a racer or a future racer, you have your own story to tell. I'd love to hear from you and learn from you and walk with you this next year...
Emily has always been interested in other cultures and ethnicities. She grew up in a neighborhood where most of her friends' parents were from other nations and spoke other languages. She learned to love their customs and foods and appreciate the diversity of cultures. She began to travel with her Dad as he would visit other countries to raise up leaders to teach the Bible. It was during these trips that she first became passionate about travel for the purpose of understanding other cultures in order to gain awareness and get involved in meeting global needs. She decided she wanted to be bilingual early in school and worked hard to learn Spanish through high school and college. Along with Spanish, she studied Anthropology. So when she began to share with us her desire to go on the World Race after graduation for a year before grad school, we were not at all surprised, and we began to research this ministry and pray about her involvement. We knew she was serious, and everything she had done prior to graduation from college pointed her to the World Race as the next serious step in her preparation for a future of service in international fields. She spent time studying and serving in Spain, Honduras, the Middle East, and Guatemala during her college years, and as mentioned, her long term intentions are to work in international development.
So I wanted to give the history of why Emily is leaving in 4 days for a year. And now I am going to attempt to blog during these next 11 months in order to help me experience more effectively the highs and lows, hopes and fears, lessons of faith and humility and trust that will define my daily life in 2011 as a parent of a world racer. This is going to be one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced....and today, I'm not ready..... not excited. I'm trying to hide it, but she knows me and is pretty perceptive. I don't want to be a downer. She is also dealing with her own feelings. There's tension mounting with each day closing in on LAUNCH DAY. We want to get the goodbyes over with, but we don't want to get the goodbyes over with! It's bitterweet....it's hard. I'll tell you more later......I invite you to come along on the journey! If you are a parent of a racer or a future racer, you have your own story to tell. I'd love to hear from you and learn from you and walk with you this next year...
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