Month 3…There were so many reasons why I was afraid of Emily going on this trip, why I still am afraid…the usual Mom issues. I’m afraid she will get sick. I keep warning her to stay hydrated. I think about parasites, bad water, diseases like Malaria or typhoid. I’m afraid she will get in an accident…the buses get so close to the edge of curvy mountain roads and small unknown airline companies are prevalent in many countries…the planes are old used ones with mechanical problems. I’m afraid of security issues, that someone will bother her…I guess I’ve seen too many movies like “Taken”. I’m afraid of many things. I knew when she left that there would be times that we would not be able to communicate with her when the internet is not available. She told me to expect it. But, I hate being cut off. When I don’t hear from her in an email or a text or a facebook message, I worry until I hear something…which can be a long time. It’s hard not to be irrational and let my imagination run away with scary scenarios. I’ve had many nights of poor sleep and worry.
It’s now month 6…I’ve learned some lessons. I’ve learned to remember the time God confirmed to my heart in Guatemala as I watched her with the children in the orphanage…that she needs to go, that I can’t get in the way of what she believes God is leading her to do. I can’t interrupt what God is doing in her heart…so when my fears rise up, I’ve learned to remember that moment. I’ve learned to pray every time I start worrying. I thought my prayer life was strong from all the practice I’d had raising children, being a wife, balancing work and home…. but at least I knew where everyone was and I could communicate with them. The World Race has challenged my prayer life like nothing else. It helps me take my worries to God who gives perspective to me. He is with her and me simultaneously. He can answer our prayers and calm our fears simultaneously. I’ve learned to recognize when my fears are creeping in….see the red flags, and give my burden sooner to God rather than letting my feelings get carried away. There’s nothing I can do anyway. It’s hard to admit that I have a control issue, and it’s hard to accept when I am completely out of control. By that I mean when I can’t see or talk to my family, and know that they are well, and be able to do things to meet their needs, then I feel out of my element and my world is not right. But on the upside, it forces me to depend on God instead of myself, and causes my faith to grow.
I struggle the most on the travel days….when Emily is transitioning from country to country, so we are out of touch for several days at a time. I imagine all kinds of problems. But, it’s sweet when I hear from her. I also struggle when internet is very limited. Skype calls and internet capability are huge blessings during the WR, so when these are cut off, it’s not easy. Receiving her blogs is a daily anticipation, and it’s always a letdown when several days go by with no news. But, it’s what I expect….and keeping my expectations realistic is important. Emily is good about telling us what to expect, and she makes herself available online as often as possible, so it’s a challenge to manage my expectations. I get spoiled during the good months of great communication….then I have to adjust during the slow months.
I’ve learned that trusting God is a day to day process…
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Comfort Zone....Really??
I think I’m dehydrated from crying so much. Her blogs are not just telling the stories of broken lives and needy souls, they’re revealing her heart…her passion…who she really is…and she tells them so beautifully, so compellingly, so blatantly, so graciously. But why do they affect me so much? Why do they have to be about so much pain and sadness and brokenness. Why couldn’t they be fairy tales with happy endings or just human interest stories from other countries or theological lessons she’s learning from exposure to different church backgrounds and denominations. Instead, I have to deal with feelings of conviction, disgust, hatred, anger, helplessness, despair, sadness, and many other unpleasant emotions that rise up in me as I’m confronted with the harsh reality of the shattered and torn lives of total strangers I’ve only met because I let myself be vulnerable and I read their stories. Through her blogs, I meet these people….I find out about these people….I know about these people. They have names now and families….like me! I can’t deny their existence anymore. I can’t ignore their plights anymore. I can’t claim ignorance anymore…I know too much. I can’t be naïve anymore…I am no longer clueless to their struggles. But it’s supposed to be their feelings of loss, abandonment, heartache, trauma, indignity, hurt, horror, deprivation….not mine! After all, I’m just reading a story, a diary, a journal.
Why do I now feel like I’ve lost my innocence…my excuses…I’m SO uncomfortable now, SO bothered, SO annoyed at what I’ve heard and can’t do anything about….SO aware of just how messed up this planet is and instead of answers, I have more questions! I am SO out of my comfort zone…isn’t that what we say now in modern times, especially in the church? We like to be in our “comfort zones”, and when we’re presented with opportunities to step out and do something new and daring and exciting and dare I say, impactful or life-changing, the first thing that pops out of our mouths is, “I don’t think I can handle that…it puts me too far out of my comfort zone…it’s just not me, but I’ll pray about it”… blah,blah,blah. Why does that now leave a sour taste in my mouth? We avoid situations that threaten us or push us too close to the edge of our comfort levels….and we avoid people who make us feel guilty or convicted about things that are “uncomfortable” to think about. Where did that thinking come from? Forget for a minute that I have principles or convictions and that I claim to be a follower of Jesus Christ….let’s put aside the obvious reason for motivating me to become involved in things or with people who make me uncomfortable. Let’s say I’m an atheist or have no belief system which dictates moral responsibility to others in need. How can I be human but not humanitarian? How can I just look the other way once I’ve become aware and just change the channel to watch something more entertaining, something light and mindless…because, after all, life is hard enough. It is?! Since when? Is my life hard?! Where did I get that idea?!! So, eventually my senses become dulled…so what. That can be a good thing, right? And what’s wrong with that? I didn’t cause anyone to be poor or trapped in slavery or prostitution or become sick or a victim of a natural disaster or a member of an abusive family or a citizen of a corrupt government or a victim of rape or an orphan…I can’t be blamed for all these problems in the world! Let’s be reasonable. Those things happened from poor choices and unfortunate events. So it’s really ok to turn away from the ugliness, to close my eyes from the grotesque, to cover my ears from the crying and noise, to hold my nose from the stench, to wear gloves to protect me from the germs and contagion….so get off my back! What’s the big deal?! I shouldn’t have to experience these peoples’struggles. And so what if eventually I can’t see, or hear, or smell, or feel anything except what I want to. That’s my right, my choice.
How did comfort become my goal? How did it all become about me and my feelings being protected. Why do my feelings matter when theirs don’t? How did I get the privilege of living securely and safely and comfortably? How did I get rights? How did I get to be free? How did I get to be educated? How did I get to hear about the love and forgiveness and sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to follow Him without any negative consequences? How is it ok to be indifferent to others’ pain, to be uninvolved in human sufferings….why is that an option? Apparently it is in most places that I’ve lived. I’ve always heard that “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” and “ignorance is bliss”. What is that about? Are these words of wisdom that I should build my life around and strive for….to raise up a wall of protection around me so that I can be unaware and ignorant and therefore, it won’t cost me anything or hurt my feelings or “require” any response from me. I’m so disgusted with my acquiescence, my apathy, my COMFORT! I thought I had come further than this. I really thought I had become a decent human being who cared deeply for all people, all races, all cultures. I thought my heart had been broken for the downtrodden and poor. Instead, I’ve kept my world so small and predictable. I’ve been controlling the thermostat and shutting the doors to make sure my environment is air-tight and free of pollutants, bugs, heat, smells, unpleasant sounds like the cries of hunger or those in pain right here in my own city not to mention the rest of the globe. How in any way can this be acceptable? I’ve made sure that I was always relatively comfortable…I’ve bought into our culture that says I should be comfortable. I even spout about how God is teaching me to branch out of my “comfort zone” almost as if it’s real or something spiritual. As far as I know, it doesn’t even exist! It’s not in the Bible. I guess we got it from the Declaration of Independence where it mentions our right to the ”pursuit of happiness”. Yes, happiness must mean comfort. But somehow, it doesn’t make me happy to know that I get to be comfortable when so many aren’t. It doesn’t make me happy to know that just because I grew up with privilege and freedom that I should claim it as a right just because I can… while they can’t….is that when they say, “stinks for them?”. I always wondered when that expression was acceptable…I get it now.
This is a real dilemma. I’ve been reading these blogs and they’re making me think, they’re making me feel, they’re making me cry, they’re making me wonder… what did I think about or feel before I learned about so many precious but tragic lives? It does stink for them. They don’t have a choice. They don’t have the option of being comfortable. And, they’re making me UNCOMFORTABLE!!
Why do I now feel like I’ve lost my innocence…my excuses…I’m SO uncomfortable now, SO bothered, SO annoyed at what I’ve heard and can’t do anything about….SO aware of just how messed up this planet is and instead of answers, I have more questions! I am SO out of my comfort zone…isn’t that what we say now in modern times, especially in the church? We like to be in our “comfort zones”, and when we’re presented with opportunities to step out and do something new and daring and exciting and dare I say, impactful or life-changing, the first thing that pops out of our mouths is, “I don’t think I can handle that…it puts me too far out of my comfort zone…it’s just not me, but I’ll pray about it”… blah,blah,blah. Why does that now leave a sour taste in my mouth? We avoid situations that threaten us or push us too close to the edge of our comfort levels….and we avoid people who make us feel guilty or convicted about things that are “uncomfortable” to think about. Where did that thinking come from? Forget for a minute that I have principles or convictions and that I claim to be a follower of Jesus Christ….let’s put aside the obvious reason for motivating me to become involved in things or with people who make me uncomfortable. Let’s say I’m an atheist or have no belief system which dictates moral responsibility to others in need. How can I be human but not humanitarian? How can I just look the other way once I’ve become aware and just change the channel to watch something more entertaining, something light and mindless…because, after all, life is hard enough. It is?! Since when? Is my life hard?! Where did I get that idea?!! So, eventually my senses become dulled…so what. That can be a good thing, right? And what’s wrong with that? I didn’t cause anyone to be poor or trapped in slavery or prostitution or become sick or a victim of a natural disaster or a member of an abusive family or a citizen of a corrupt government or a victim of rape or an orphan…I can’t be blamed for all these problems in the world! Let’s be reasonable. Those things happened from poor choices and unfortunate events. So it’s really ok to turn away from the ugliness, to close my eyes from the grotesque, to cover my ears from the crying and noise, to hold my nose from the stench, to wear gloves to protect me from the germs and contagion….so get off my back! What’s the big deal?! I shouldn’t have to experience these peoples’struggles. And so what if eventually I can’t see, or hear, or smell, or feel anything except what I want to. That’s my right, my choice.
How did comfort become my goal? How did it all become about me and my feelings being protected. Why do my feelings matter when theirs don’t? How did I get the privilege of living securely and safely and comfortably? How did I get rights? How did I get to be free? How did I get to be educated? How did I get to hear about the love and forgiveness and sacrifice of Jesus Christ and choose to follow Him without any negative consequences? How is it ok to be indifferent to others’ pain, to be uninvolved in human sufferings….why is that an option? Apparently it is in most places that I’ve lived. I’ve always heard that “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” and “ignorance is bliss”. What is that about? Are these words of wisdom that I should build my life around and strive for….to raise up a wall of protection around me so that I can be unaware and ignorant and therefore, it won’t cost me anything or hurt my feelings or “require” any response from me. I’m so disgusted with my acquiescence, my apathy, my COMFORT! I thought I had come further than this. I really thought I had become a decent human being who cared deeply for all people, all races, all cultures. I thought my heart had been broken for the downtrodden and poor. Instead, I’ve kept my world so small and predictable. I’ve been controlling the thermostat and shutting the doors to make sure my environment is air-tight and free of pollutants, bugs, heat, smells, unpleasant sounds like the cries of hunger or those in pain right here in my own city not to mention the rest of the globe. How in any way can this be acceptable? I’ve made sure that I was always relatively comfortable…I’ve bought into our culture that says I should be comfortable. I even spout about how God is teaching me to branch out of my “comfort zone” almost as if it’s real or something spiritual. As far as I know, it doesn’t even exist! It’s not in the Bible. I guess we got it from the Declaration of Independence where it mentions our right to the ”pursuit of happiness”. Yes, happiness must mean comfort. But somehow, it doesn’t make me happy to know that I get to be comfortable when so many aren’t. It doesn’t make me happy to know that just because I grew up with privilege and freedom that I should claim it as a right just because I can… while they can’t….is that when they say, “stinks for them?”. I always wondered when that expression was acceptable…I get it now.
This is a real dilemma. I’ve been reading these blogs and they’re making me think, they’re making me feel, they’re making me cry, they’re making me wonder… what did I think about or feel before I learned about so many precious but tragic lives? It does stink for them. They don’t have a choice. They don’t have the option of being comfortable. And, they’re making me UNCOMFORTABLE!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Better Than Fine
We were in South Africa visiting our ministry team and on the way to a church outside Johannesburg where Phil,my husband, was scheduled to speak at a pastors conference....when we received a call from Emily, our World Racer, at 2:00 am her time. We were surprised and concerned to be hearing from her! Her first words were, "Dad, first of all, I'm fine." Best words we could have heard! Then she told us about how she had been robbed a few hours earlier and her laptop, external hard drive, and new camera were stolen during their team time when everyone was away. It was the first time she had lowered her guard, feeling a false sense of security since the apartment they were staying in was in a locked courtyard. Someone had access to a key, and they must have known what she owned and where they were staying. Thankfully, she was safe, and not physically assaulted. She was not even present. That was the main blessing. But she was shaken and felt violated and disappointed, even disillusioned, and sad that she had lost her month of pictures from Ecuador and documentation from there. She had recorded so many images and made videos...priceless and irreplaceable. She had grown so close to the people there and had learned so much from her time in the rain forest...it was a huge personal loss. She wanted to be strong for her team, because they were all paranoid about theft, and she didn't want to put fear in their hearts....but her emotions were strong, and she was struggling...it was lonely and difficult.
We were upset and felt so badly for her. As parents, we wanted to drop everything, run to her side, and fix it! But we knew there was nothing we could do for her at that time, and it was very hard if not impossible to comfort her so far away. So we listened and told her how thankful we were that she was okay, and that we would do everything possible to replace her lost items...and told her to try to get some sleep. And we prayed a LOT for her. It was really difficult. That night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and wanted to be with Emily and make sure she was feeling safe. I needed to know that she was taken care of and I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be all right like I did when she was a child....but all I could do is ask God to meet her in a special way and make His presence known to her stronger than she had experienced so far since she left home. I knew He would take care of her, but I didn't know just how okay she was until the next morning...when I awoke to read a blog she had written during the night. Here it is...
....A Sloppy Wet Kiss
Posted in Peru by Emily Tuttle on 3/17/2011
I love Christmastime for a lot of reasons, but one of my favorite things is wrapping presents. In my family I'm the present wrapper. I like to choose the perfect paper for each person's interests, neatly wrap the present with exactly three pieces of Scotch tape, and select an accompanying ribbon to tie a beautiful bow on top. One year I even bought plain, solid colored paper, wrapped all the presents, and then took gold and silver paint and painted pictures and patterns onto the paper so that I could design each present's appearance. I know...it sounds just the tiniest bit obsessive. Suffice it to say, I thoroughly enjoy when things are nicely wrapped up in a neat, aesthetically-pleasing package with no loose ends.
The World Race is the exact opposite of that.
During our first meeting as a new team after the changes at debrief in Quito, our new leader, Jeremiah, asked each of us what the World Race is to us. Why did we come? Why did we leave our homes for eleven months? What are we hoping to gain, do, achieve, give, or take away from this? In light of recent events, my answer seems oddly fitting, and I think the time has come to share with you what the World Race is to me...
I had a lot of reasons for coming on the World Race. Most of them have to do with the fact that it's pretty much the coolest ministry idea I've ever heard of. If I could design a ministry that would be ideal for me and my life calling, it would look very similar. So I applied. But it wasn't until I was on the Race, in the Dominican Republic, that I realized exactly what I was participating in.
During our time in the DR, we frequently had corporate worship with the four teams living in the San Juan house. Bekah would play her guitar, and the song she always came back to was How He Loves. We sang it almost every time we had worship, and it has become a favorite of our squad. One night as we were singing, part of the lyrics jumped out in my mind, and I realized: This is the World Race.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us, oh how he loves us...
A sloppy, wet kiss.
It hit me...the World Race is that sloppy, wet kiss. There are many goals behind the Race, but more than anything it's about heaven meeting earth. It's about bringing heaven to earth and showing people that they can live inside the love of God, protected in the palm of his hand--not only after they die and go to heaven, but right now as well. It's about teaching people that miracles still happen, and that we still serve the same powerful God of the Bible. Through prayer, following the Holy Spirit, and living out our faith daily, World Racers seek to live in that intersection of supernatural and literal. We want to live inside of the sloppy, wet kiss, in the place where heaven meets earth, but what does that look like?
Basically, it looks exactly how it sounds...sloppy, messy, confusing, intense, amazing. It's like living inside of the spark that happens when two electrically charged things touch. We live in moments of divine appointment, moments of influence, moments of uncertainty, moments of impact.
Sometimes it's a million degrees and you're covered in mud, sweat, and countless bug bites. Sometimes kids are climbing all over you, slobbering on your shirt and blessing your already-hot body with their additional body heat. Sometimes, like I did last night, you get all your things stolen when thieves break into your apartment.
But at those same times, you remember that the mud you're hiking through is leading you to people who need to hear about God. You realize that you are getting to love his children, and thereby love him. You understand that things are things and that people matter more.
The World Race is all of this. Instead of a nicely wrapped package with a pretty bow on top, it's messy, but it's the means through which God is bringing his Kingdom to earth, and there's nowhere I'd rather be. My time at Wheaton College taught me to do everything For Christ and His Kingdom, and the World Race is certainly that. Even though right now I'm dirty, I don't exactly smell like rose petals, and I no longer own any of my valuables, I'm happy, because unlike most people on planet Earth, I'm doing my dream job. I'm living in the sloppy, wet kiss.
On earth as it is in heaven... (end of blog)
All I can say is that it was the biggest hug from God that I have received in long time...just what I needed to hear. It was a huge blessing for me and Phil as parents separated from our child who is experiencing stress and had gone through a very disturbing ordeal. Wow, we cried...and we knew she was going to be fine and had experienced the tender loving care of her Heavenly Father in a new way. It took this event to make us more aware that we were no longer her providers, her sufficiency, her comfort, her security....we couldn't be....we could only watch from afar and be witnesses of something truly special happening to our daughter. It didn't mean that she didn't still feel hurt and sad and afraid and violated, but her needs were being met by her teammates as they shared their laptops with her so she could stay connected and keep up her blogs, and they took extra pictures of her in ministry and with special people and in special places so she could have recorded memories later, and they prayed with her and encouraged her and gave her their support....it was the body of Christ at work which is a beautiful thing when it happens the way God intended...out of need and full of grace! Praise be to God!
We were upset and felt so badly for her. As parents, we wanted to drop everything, run to her side, and fix it! But we knew there was nothing we could do for her at that time, and it was very hard if not impossible to comfort her so far away. So we listened and told her how thankful we were that she was okay, and that we would do everything possible to replace her lost items...and told her to try to get some sleep. And we prayed a LOT for her. It was really difficult. That night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and wanted to be with Emily and make sure she was feeling safe. I needed to know that she was taken care of and I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be all right like I did when she was a child....but all I could do is ask God to meet her in a special way and make His presence known to her stronger than she had experienced so far since she left home. I knew He would take care of her, but I didn't know just how okay she was until the next morning...when I awoke to read a blog she had written during the night. Here it is...
....A Sloppy Wet Kiss
Posted in Peru by Emily Tuttle on 3/17/2011
I love Christmastime for a lot of reasons, but one of my favorite things is wrapping presents. In my family I'm the present wrapper. I like to choose the perfect paper for each person's interests, neatly wrap the present with exactly three pieces of Scotch tape, and select an accompanying ribbon to tie a beautiful bow on top. One year I even bought plain, solid colored paper, wrapped all the presents, and then took gold and silver paint and painted pictures and patterns onto the paper so that I could design each present's appearance. I know...it sounds just the tiniest bit obsessive. Suffice it to say, I thoroughly enjoy when things are nicely wrapped up in a neat, aesthetically-pleasing package with no loose ends.
The World Race is the exact opposite of that.
During our first meeting as a new team after the changes at debrief in Quito, our new leader, Jeremiah, asked each of us what the World Race is to us. Why did we come? Why did we leave our homes for eleven months? What are we hoping to gain, do, achieve, give, or take away from this? In light of recent events, my answer seems oddly fitting, and I think the time has come to share with you what the World Race is to me...
I had a lot of reasons for coming on the World Race. Most of them have to do with the fact that it's pretty much the coolest ministry idea I've ever heard of. If I could design a ministry that would be ideal for me and my life calling, it would look very similar. So I applied. But it wasn't until I was on the Race, in the Dominican Republic, that I realized exactly what I was participating in.
During our time in the DR, we frequently had corporate worship with the four teams living in the San Juan house. Bekah would play her guitar, and the song she always came back to was How He Loves. We sang it almost every time we had worship, and it has become a favorite of our squad. One night as we were singing, part of the lyrics jumped out in my mind, and I realized: This is the World Race.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us, oh how he loves us...
A sloppy, wet kiss.
It hit me...the World Race is that sloppy, wet kiss. There are many goals behind the Race, but more than anything it's about heaven meeting earth. It's about bringing heaven to earth and showing people that they can live inside the love of God, protected in the palm of his hand--not only after they die and go to heaven, but right now as well. It's about teaching people that miracles still happen, and that we still serve the same powerful God of the Bible. Through prayer, following the Holy Spirit, and living out our faith daily, World Racers seek to live in that intersection of supernatural and literal. We want to live inside of the sloppy, wet kiss, in the place where heaven meets earth, but what does that look like?
Basically, it looks exactly how it sounds...sloppy, messy, confusing, intense, amazing. It's like living inside of the spark that happens when two electrically charged things touch. We live in moments of divine appointment, moments of influence, moments of uncertainty, moments of impact.
Sometimes it's a million degrees and you're covered in mud, sweat, and countless bug bites. Sometimes kids are climbing all over you, slobbering on your shirt and blessing your already-hot body with their additional body heat. Sometimes, like I did last night, you get all your things stolen when thieves break into your apartment.
But at those same times, you remember that the mud you're hiking through is leading you to people who need to hear about God. You realize that you are getting to love his children, and thereby love him. You understand that things are things and that people matter more.
The World Race is all of this. Instead of a nicely wrapped package with a pretty bow on top, it's messy, but it's the means through which God is bringing his Kingdom to earth, and there's nowhere I'd rather be. My time at Wheaton College taught me to do everything For Christ and His Kingdom, and the World Race is certainly that. Even though right now I'm dirty, I don't exactly smell like rose petals, and I no longer own any of my valuables, I'm happy, because unlike most people on planet Earth, I'm doing my dream job. I'm living in the sloppy, wet kiss.
On earth as it is in heaven... (end of blog)
All I can say is that it was the biggest hug from God that I have received in long time...just what I needed to hear. It was a huge blessing for me and Phil as parents separated from our child who is experiencing stress and had gone through a very disturbing ordeal. Wow, we cried...and we knew she was going to be fine and had experienced the tender loving care of her Heavenly Father in a new way. It took this event to make us more aware that we were no longer her providers, her sufficiency, her comfort, her security....we couldn't be....we could only watch from afar and be witnesses of something truly special happening to our daughter. It didn't mean that she didn't still feel hurt and sad and afraid and violated, but her needs were being met by her teammates as they shared their laptops with her so she could stay connected and keep up her blogs, and they took extra pictures of her in ministry and with special people and in special places so she could have recorded memories later, and they prayed with her and encouraged her and gave her their support....it was the body of Christ at work which is a beautiful thing when it happens the way God intended...out of need and full of grace! Praise be to God!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Hugged by God
Well, I got pretty spoiled last month when Emily was in the DR (Dominican Republic)and we heard from her every couple of days. I didn't know how good we had it until this month. She's been living in El Reten, Ecuador, a tiny village located in a rain forest five or six hours from Quito and two hours from the nearest town where internet is available,though not a strong signal. So, let's just say that we have been out of touch with Emily, and that has been disconcerting to me. My tendencies to worry and speculate have been excessively abused. When I found out that the whole village was down with an intestinal virus, and that Emily had come down with a fever and nausea (she managed to text me somehow....she keeps her phone off since it's very expensive to let it roam when unused, but she tried it once to see if it worked). Of course, on the one hand, I was ecstatic to hear from her, because it had been several weeks....and on the other hand, I started worrying afterwards, imagining dehydration and not able to get good medical help with the closest town two hours away. Several days went by, and my mind was quite creative with all the possible outcomes that had inevitably developed. I was sitting in my family room, holding my phone the other night, and God did something very kind to me. I prayed that I would hear something from Emily soon to know that she was ok so that I could have some peace of mind. Literally within seconds of praying that, my phone beeped. I looked down in my hand to see who sent me a text....it was Emily!!!! She said sorry that she had turned off her phone and hadn't seen my message asking for an update on her health. She was doing fine and had returned to ministering with the VBS program 6 miles away. Her appetite had not returned, but she was much better. Talk about perfect timing! This was it! In one week, she will leave El Reten and return to Quito for several days of Debriefing, then off to Peru...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Building the Team
It’s hard to believe that it’s the last day of January and the end of month one of the World Race! It went by so quickly for me compared to what I imagined initially. I don’t know if Team Kaleo feels the same way. They are finishing up these last two days in the DR and heading out on Thursday, Feb.3rd for Equador, Country #2!
I’m excited for them. They will have a long layover in Miami on their way to South America. Of course, I wish I could just fly in for the day and surprise Emily, but parents and family and friends are encouraged not to visit their racers during the year, because it tends to interrupt the team dynamics and emotional stability of the groups. I guess that’s a good way to describe it. I understand what they mean, but selfishly I would like to show up bearing gifts and homemade cookies and hugs to personally encourage them! Let’s face it, skype , though wonderful, just doesn’t feel the same as a real hug! I do know it would be hard for the parents of one racer to show up and not the parents of another, when they all have bouts of homesickness, illnesses where they want “mom”, frustrations that would be eased by some face time with a family member or a close friend instead of relying on one another and learning to trust your team members. The growth of the team and their dependence on God and one another is essential for this mission to work effectively; unity is hugely important and it is based on good communication which takes time and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another. They need to get to know each other. I realize from experience that building a team is hard and the process can be fragile and easily sabotaged if everyone had days off with visitors. This could interrupt the culture of dependence, trust, and respect that God is trying to develop which hopefully will foster good things like forgiveness, patience, love, and maturity in Christ. So, even though I don’t like it, I respect the reasons for it and know it is based on what has worked best on previous races.
With all that said, I REALLY wish I could meet Team Kaleo and just hang out! I look forward to maybe doing that sometime. They are Emily’s family for this year, so I already love them! I call having the first reunion in Atlanta!! Even if the teams divide up and change which I heard that they do a few times, I’m sure they will build relationships that last into the future. By the stories that I’m reading in the blogs, how can they not forge lasting bonds!
I’m not naïve enough to think that all the teams are operating smoothly. I know that there are bound to be teams struggling to grow and unify for all different reasons. It’s a process and takes prayer. I’m sure it’s very difficult to mesh so many personalities together under stressful and frustrating situations. Leadership styles differ. Racers are ministering in rough conditions; many are sick and exhausted at times. So, it’s inevitable that problems exist and of course that pleases the Enemy who wants to stop their progress and put a wedge between team members. It’s the same universally….in homes, in churches, in businesses, in organizations….it’s Satan’s goal to stop the kingdom work!
So, the last couple of weeks, I have been prompted to pray more about this. With the first month being the time that all the teams begin their initial work, early patterns and dynamics are formed that will define them and create an atmosphere either conducive to effective ministry or dysfunctional activity. I’m far from knowing God’s ways, but I do know that He desires total reliance on Him and obedience to His will. He has chosen his believers to be the messengers of the gospel to the lost and poor and suffering. I need to remember that prayer is the key to unleashing the power, and that’s what I can do for the teams worldwide. It’s good to know that I can have a part and that all the parents, family members, and friends of the racers are essentially part of their teams. Without this support, they would be in trouble. There’s a lot of work to be done and so little time!
I’m excited for them. They will have a long layover in Miami on their way to South America. Of course, I wish I could just fly in for the day and surprise Emily, but parents and family and friends are encouraged not to visit their racers during the year, because it tends to interrupt the team dynamics and emotional stability of the groups. I guess that’s a good way to describe it. I understand what they mean, but selfishly I would like to show up bearing gifts and homemade cookies and hugs to personally encourage them! Let’s face it, skype , though wonderful, just doesn’t feel the same as a real hug! I do know it would be hard for the parents of one racer to show up and not the parents of another, when they all have bouts of homesickness, illnesses where they want “mom”, frustrations that would be eased by some face time with a family member or a close friend instead of relying on one another and learning to trust your team members. The growth of the team and their dependence on God and one another is essential for this mission to work effectively; unity is hugely important and it is based on good communication which takes time and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another. They need to get to know each other. I realize from experience that building a team is hard and the process can be fragile and easily sabotaged if everyone had days off with visitors. This could interrupt the culture of dependence, trust, and respect that God is trying to develop which hopefully will foster good things like forgiveness, patience, love, and maturity in Christ. So, even though I don’t like it, I respect the reasons for it and know it is based on what has worked best on previous races.
With all that said, I REALLY wish I could meet Team Kaleo and just hang out! I look forward to maybe doing that sometime. They are Emily’s family for this year, so I already love them! I call having the first reunion in Atlanta!! Even if the teams divide up and change which I heard that they do a few times, I’m sure they will build relationships that last into the future. By the stories that I’m reading in the blogs, how can they not forge lasting bonds!
I’m not naïve enough to think that all the teams are operating smoothly. I know that there are bound to be teams struggling to grow and unify for all different reasons. It’s a process and takes prayer. I’m sure it’s very difficult to mesh so many personalities together under stressful and frustrating situations. Leadership styles differ. Racers are ministering in rough conditions; many are sick and exhausted at times. So, it’s inevitable that problems exist and of course that pleases the Enemy who wants to stop their progress and put a wedge between team members. It’s the same universally….in homes, in churches, in businesses, in organizations….it’s Satan’s goal to stop the kingdom work!
So, the last couple of weeks, I have been prompted to pray more about this. With the first month being the time that all the teams begin their initial work, early patterns and dynamics are formed that will define them and create an atmosphere either conducive to effective ministry or dysfunctional activity. I’m far from knowing God’s ways, but I do know that He desires total reliance on Him and obedience to His will. He has chosen his believers to be the messengers of the gospel to the lost and poor and suffering. I need to remember that prayer is the key to unleashing the power, and that’s what I can do for the teams worldwide. It’s good to know that I can have a part and that all the parents, family members, and friends of the racers are essentially part of their teams. Without this support, they would be in trouble. There’s a lot of work to be done and so little time!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Twenty-three
Today is a most special day. I want to write a tribute to someone very dear to me. Twenty-three years ago today I met Emily Tuttle. It was a blizzardy day outside, and we made it to the hospital in the middle of the night before the snow began to pile up. The labor pains told me that this was going to be a long but joyful day. I was finally going to give birth to our long-awaited, long-prayed for, long-desired little one. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be a mom. I had resolved to myself that probably I was not going to be able to have a biological child after years of unsuccessful attempts, surgeries, and disappointments. We were busy preparing to adopt and well along in the process when after one more surgery to correct a problem, I became pregnant. We rejoiced and waited for the arrival. We didn’t know it was Emily, because we wanted to be surprised. I love surprises and being pregnant was surprise enough.
It turns out that Emily loves surprises, too! Emily loves to surprise me! She has pulled off several amazing and wonderful surprises during the last twenty-three years, but they all pale compared to the first one….the day she arrived and was placed in my arms. That was pure bliss, overwhelming joy, an incomparable thrill, ecstasy….to literally partner with God in the creation of a new life. It was worth all the pain….in fact, worth more pain. I can’t imagine missing out on that experience and her brother’s birth three years later. I am so privileged to be counted worthy to be Emily’s and Philip’s mom.
I remember unwrapping her in my arms for the first time to look at her miniature body, to touch her little fingers and toes and kiss each one. It was our first time to gaze into each other’s faces and be introduced. It was a sacred moment between me and Emily and God. I will forever be grateful. I have never gotten over that day. I still relive it and I still cherish the memory of it.
I knew God had plans for Emily’s life, because those years when she was only a dream in my heart, I prayed for her. I asked God to send us children to raise for His service and glory, whether they be biological or adopted. So when she came and then later her brother, my prayers stayed the same. The answered prayer of twenty-three years ago is the reason I could say goodbye to Emily on January 6, 2011, as she left on the World Race, with a peace in my heart knowing that the next year was part of that journey that I prayed for… where she will meet God in many new places and learn a new kind of dependence on Him that will sustain her from here on long after I’m gone. This year she will reach the highest highs and the lowest lows so far, and she will face challenges that she never imagined, but I know she is ready and prepared for the journey, and I know she is not alone.
Happy Birthday dear daughter. You are precious and cherished. You were always wanted and loved. We love you more than you can possibly understand at this point in your young life, but someday you will know. We will miss seeing you every day of this twenty-third year of your life and will wait longingly for our reunion, but what a way to spend this year! WOW! You are in my every thought and every prayer.
Since the first day we met, I have been changed forever….for good. I love you!
~Mom
It turns out that Emily loves surprises, too! Emily loves to surprise me! She has pulled off several amazing and wonderful surprises during the last twenty-three years, but they all pale compared to the first one….the day she arrived and was placed in my arms. That was pure bliss, overwhelming joy, an incomparable thrill, ecstasy….to literally partner with God in the creation of a new life. It was worth all the pain….in fact, worth more pain. I can’t imagine missing out on that experience and her brother’s birth three years later. I am so privileged to be counted worthy to be Emily’s and Philip’s mom.
I remember unwrapping her in my arms for the first time to look at her miniature body, to touch her little fingers and toes and kiss each one. It was our first time to gaze into each other’s faces and be introduced. It was a sacred moment between me and Emily and God. I will forever be grateful. I have never gotten over that day. I still relive it and I still cherish the memory of it.
I knew God had plans for Emily’s life, because those years when she was only a dream in my heart, I prayed for her. I asked God to send us children to raise for His service and glory, whether they be biological or adopted. So when she came and then later her brother, my prayers stayed the same. The answered prayer of twenty-three years ago is the reason I could say goodbye to Emily on January 6, 2011, as she left on the World Race, with a peace in my heart knowing that the next year was part of that journey that I prayed for… where she will meet God in many new places and learn a new kind of dependence on Him that will sustain her from here on long after I’m gone. This year she will reach the highest highs and the lowest lows so far, and she will face challenges that she never imagined, but I know she is ready and prepared for the journey, and I know she is not alone.
Happy Birthday dear daughter. You are precious and cherished. You were always wanted and loved. We love you more than you can possibly understand at this point in your young life, but someday you will know. We will miss seeing you every day of this twenty-third year of your life and will wait longingly for our reunion, but what a way to spend this year! WOW! You are in my every thought and every prayer.
Since the first day we met, I have been changed forever….for good. I love you!
~Mom
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's All Good....or is it?
I'm reminded today of God's amazing protection and His watchful eye when we don't even know what is happening. Because Emily is living in potentially dangerous situations and constantly dealing with illness, satanic forces like witchcraft, spiritism, human trafficking, and possible government unrest, I assume that God hears my constant prayers for her protection and brings out His full regiment of angels for full-time duty on the World Race. I'm counting on that. I know He wants us to pray without ceasing and that He hears and answers prayers. And I assume that He wants what I want, right?! My prayer life has developed strongly in the last month!! Even though I've always prayed consistently for my family, I depend even more on this discipline now and realize it's essential for my daily existence. It's my oxygen. Yeah....duh.
Okay, I said I assumed God is on guard for Emily and her team. Then last night, we get a call (thankfully from our son, Philip) who was at the scene of a bad accident in which he and five other college friends totaled their vehicle, and other than being very shaken and dealing with possible mild concussions, bruises and small cuts, they were all fine! They came so close to being seriously injured or killed when their van hit black ice and they swerved between lanes of traffic and crashed into another car. I knew they were driving in bad weather and I didn't have a good feeling about it, so I texted him to be extra careful and prayed a lot yesterday for their safety. I kept wondering when we would hear that he was back safely which I assumed would be the case. When the call came, I was overwhelmingly aware of how close we came to losing him and how grateful I was to God for protecting them.
I realized that I am helpless to control my children's circumstances and completely and utterly dependent on God's will and direction for their lives. I have nothing to do with it.....I don't even know how to pray sometimes because I don't know where they are and what they are doing. I don't even know what dangers lurk every minute around them, and when I do know, I'm terrified and humbled. And why is it that I live under the illusion that just because Philip lives in this country and is "safely" in college, that somehow I am in more control of what happens to him? Neither of my kids are under my watchful eye or in my constant care! All I have in my arsenal against the dangers and snares of this world are my prayers.....and I'm learning that that's enough!
I'm realizing that I'm completely vulnerable, that I've never been in charge (thank goodness), that God always has had control and will do as He pleases with what belongs to Him. My kids are not really mine, so who am I to tell God what to do with them. So, I plead and beg for His mercy and protection and thank Him daily for allowing me to be their caregiver for another day, week, month, year. Ultimately, they are on loan and I don't even know what God has planned for their lives other than to glorify Himself through them. What does that involve? I'm learning about trust. Do I really trust God with my kids? There's that word "my" again. I've known intellectually all along that God does not need my advice or stamp of approval or "to do list" in order to accomplish His work. But do I continue to give these to Him daily.....you betcha! I have the theological answers for a lot of things until "my" kids are involved. Then I go weak in the knees and wake up at all hours of the night. God does not owe me a thing and can and will do what He wills..... my prayers may not be answered the way I script them to be. I usually give God limited possible choices for what I ask of Him...."Yes" is the preferable one, or "all of the above"...or occasionally a "maybe" as long as it doesn't cost me.
There's no guarantee that my prayers are best even for my own flesh and blood, so I'm humbled and even terrified by this. I know the Bible teaches some things that "seem" contradictory to our finite minds but actually are not. I like those verses about... 'all things work together for "good" to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose'.....check, I love Him and I'm called. On the other hand, I avoid the book of Job and verses like, 'though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.' So, I'm learning more each day about letting go.....mostly about taking back and holding on....but I intend to learn......tomorrow! It's scary. It shows me what I really truly believe or don't believe about God and His nature. If I really believe that He is good and He will do good, then I have to believe that about Him when something bad happens. That's tough stuff! I'll let you know how I'm doing as we go....it's a process.
Okay, I said I assumed God is on guard for Emily and her team. Then last night, we get a call (thankfully from our son, Philip) who was at the scene of a bad accident in which he and five other college friends totaled their vehicle, and other than being very shaken and dealing with possible mild concussions, bruises and small cuts, they were all fine! They came so close to being seriously injured or killed when their van hit black ice and they swerved between lanes of traffic and crashed into another car. I knew they were driving in bad weather and I didn't have a good feeling about it, so I texted him to be extra careful and prayed a lot yesterday for their safety. I kept wondering when we would hear that he was back safely which I assumed would be the case. When the call came, I was overwhelmingly aware of how close we came to losing him and how grateful I was to God for protecting them.
I realized that I am helpless to control my children's circumstances and completely and utterly dependent on God's will and direction for their lives. I have nothing to do with it.....I don't even know how to pray sometimes because I don't know where they are and what they are doing. I don't even know what dangers lurk every minute around them, and when I do know, I'm terrified and humbled. And why is it that I live under the illusion that just because Philip lives in this country and is "safely" in college, that somehow I am in more control of what happens to him? Neither of my kids are under my watchful eye or in my constant care! All I have in my arsenal against the dangers and snares of this world are my prayers.....and I'm learning that that's enough!
I'm realizing that I'm completely vulnerable, that I've never been in charge (thank goodness), that God always has had control and will do as He pleases with what belongs to Him. My kids are not really mine, so who am I to tell God what to do with them. So, I plead and beg for His mercy and protection and thank Him daily for allowing me to be their caregiver for another day, week, month, year. Ultimately, they are on loan and I don't even know what God has planned for their lives other than to glorify Himself through them. What does that involve? I'm learning about trust. Do I really trust God with my kids? There's that word "my" again. I've known intellectually all along that God does not need my advice or stamp of approval or "to do list" in order to accomplish His work. But do I continue to give these to Him daily.....you betcha! I have the theological answers for a lot of things until "my" kids are involved. Then I go weak in the knees and wake up at all hours of the night. God does not owe me a thing and can and will do what He wills..... my prayers may not be answered the way I script them to be. I usually give God limited possible choices for what I ask of Him...."Yes" is the preferable one, or "all of the above"...or occasionally a "maybe" as long as it doesn't cost me.
There's no guarantee that my prayers are best even for my own flesh and blood, so I'm humbled and even terrified by this. I know the Bible teaches some things that "seem" contradictory to our finite minds but actually are not. I like those verses about... 'all things work together for "good" to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose'.....check, I love Him and I'm called. On the other hand, I avoid the book of Job and verses like, 'though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.' So, I'm learning more each day about letting go.....mostly about taking back and holding on....but I intend to learn......tomorrow! It's scary. It shows me what I really truly believe or don't believe about God and His nature. If I really believe that He is good and He will do good, then I have to believe that about Him when something bad happens. That's tough stuff! I'll let you know how I'm doing as we go....it's a process.
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